Apparently, I have a bad reputation with Christians. Almost daily I receive e-mails from these people reminding me I'm "going to roast in the eternal fires of damnation," "scream for mercy as Satan tortures my anus with his red-hot poker," and that I would have been better off "being aborted—just so your mother could join you in the eternal fires of damnation." How could I ever hate Christians when they have such awesomely descriptive ways of damning people to hell?
No, I don't hate Christians—I hate Jesus. Okay, FINE. I don't hate "Jesus" per se, I just hate the way backasswards people interpret "Jesus." For example, did you know there are TWO Jesus characters wandering around TV shows these days? And both are lily-white HONKIES, even though every intelligent person in the world knows that people from the Bethlehem region are dipped in sweet, sweet chocolate. And as you know, I like my Son of God like I like my coffee—half decaf mochaccino with whip and sprinkles on top.
But back to Jesus. There are two sons of God being portrayed on TV, and I don't like it! One is in FX's Rescue Me where potty-mouthed comedian Denis Leary plays a pill-poppin' post-9/11 fireman who hallucinates honky Jesus. The second comes courtesy of The Book of Daniel (NBC, Fridays, 10:00 p.m.) in which actor Aidan Quinn plays a pill-poppin' Episcopalian priest who also hallucinates a cracker Messiah. Naturally, both Jesuses show up at inopportune moments—like when Denis and Aidan are trying to pop pills—and both Jesuses usually have some "gentle wisdom" to impart, like "stop popping goofballs."
It should be noted that Rescue Me came up with the idea of hallucinating Jesus FIRST—and The Book of Daniel is clearly ripping off the idea, as well as stealing a good amount of material from 7th Heaven. Not only is Aidan Quinn's priest gobbling up pharmaceuticals, but his wife is a lush, his daughter is a dope dealer, his son is gay, and his adopted Asian son is a sex addict. Naturally, this has a lot of tight-ass red-state Christians up in arms—but they see it as blasphemy, while the rest of us correctly identify it as LAZY WRITING.
I mean, if you're going to offend the Christians—and practically everything does anyway—why not go for broke? How about a show entitled, Me, Mary, and Joseph, which is all about a Middle Eastern–colored Jesus who's constantly being hassled for being a suspected terrorist? Plus, he still lives at home with his parents Mary and Joseph, who could be played by George Costanza's parents from Seinfeld. And it turns out Jesus wasn't a virgin birth after all, because his parents are honkies, and when Jesus asks his mom about it, she could say, "JESUS! You're so naive!" And Jesus could pop pills! And hallucinate Denis Leary and Aidan Quinn dropping in to give him advice! And strike up an affair with an Asian male sex addict! (Note to any Christians reading this: Is there anyplace I could be damned to besides Hell? Like maybe Idaho?)
