A famous philosopher (maybe it was John Cougar Mellencamp) once said, "Hell is right here on earth." And I tend to agree with his assessment because... umm... excuse me... has anyone noticed there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON TELEVISION?!? In case the networks have forgotten, I'm paying BIG money to my satellite provider for monthly access to 297 channels of supposedly unsurpassed entertainment. So can someone please explain to me why I CAN'T FIND A SINGLE FREAKING THING TO WATCH?
Look at my thumb. I SAID, "LOOK AT IT"!! It's bent like a syphilitic monkey penis because I've spent the last 43 hours flipping through channels looking for something... ANYTHING to watch! And this is EXACTLY what I imagine hell is like—that is, if I'm not there already! Oh, I know what you're thinking: "This can't be hell, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, because hell wouldn't have Mad Men." OH, YES IT WOULD SO TOO! Mad Men would be exactly the sort of thing Satan would have in hell, so you would be living in bliss for one hour a week and then suffering in burny skillets of molten lava for the remaining 167! DAMN THEE, BEELZEBUB! WHY MUST THOU ENDLESSLY TORMENT ME WITH YOUR POINTY TRIDENT AND RERUNS OF HOUSE?
And that, my friends is why I've decided to give the big "eff you" to "Old Scratch" AND television, because until the new fall season starts, I'm going off the grid, baby! Until further notice, I will only be watching old episodes of My So-Called Life on the internet TV site Hulu (www.hulu.com)!
Point of fact: My So-Called Life is the pinnacle of human artistic endeavor. (Yes, even more so than the bottle of High School Musical hand sanitizer sitting on my desk.) For those who unwisely value ignorance over awesomeness, My So-Called Life ran for a scant 19 episodes in 1994–95 and featured the wildly realistic lives of hormonally imbalanced teens. The show centered around Angela Chase (played by Claire Danes)—a deliciously awkward yet sensitive dork who eternally pined for the subliterate hunkiness of beefcake/dreamboat Jordan Catalano (Jared Leto). Also along for the ride was brainiac nerd Brian Krakow (desperately in love with Angela), drunky slut Rayanne Graff, and gay Rickie Vasquez (who, even though he had the most serious problems, was the most levelheaded of the bunch).
Point of fact number two: This show is so incredibly awesome, it gives me the tweetarded tingles. The dialogue is hilariously spot-on in regards to the doofy way teens talk, the parents are suitably loathsome, and every problem—no matter how tiny—IS THE END OF THE FREAKING WORLD. And though low ratings (and a movie-career-horny Claire Danes) ended the series all too soon, My So-Called Life paved the way for somewhat less brilliant teen dramedies such as Dawson's Creek, Freaks and Geeks, The O.C., and (ugh) Gossip Girl.
So if you're hating this summer's TV offerings, kick Satan in his hot nutsack and hop over to the internet for some sweet My So-Called Life until the new fall season starts. Remember, another great philosopher once said, "Heaven is a place on earth." (That would be Belinda Carlisle, FYI.) 
THURSDAY, AUGUST 27
10:00 SHO PENN & TELLER: BULLSHIT!
Season finale! For their final episode of the season, the magicians call BS on the magic kingdom of BS: the Vatican!
10:00 USA ROYAL PAINS
Season finale! Hank treats a hallucinating woman, which wouldn't be so awful if she weren't hallucinating that he's a giant crab.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 28
9:00 USA MONK
The obsessive-compulsive Monk poses as an assassin, which means he has to lock and load and lock and load and lock...
SATURDAY, AUGUST 29
9:00 NBC WRESTLEMANIA'S 25TH ANNIVERSARY
Triple H, Undertaker, and more celebrate 25 years of homoerotic body slams and pile drivers.
9:00 BBCA BEING HUMAN
Season finale! Three roommates (a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost) wage an epic battle to save humanity (and argue over the chore wheel).
SUNDAY, AUGUST 30
9:00 SYFY HIGH PLAINS INVADERS—Movie
(2009) Buffy's James Marsters stars as a Wild West cowboy battling uranium-based aliens. Yee-haw?
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
The writers are forced to work overtime—which means more late-night, alcohol-fueled sexist shenanigans!
MONDAY, AUGUST 31
10:00 OXY DANCE YOUR ASS OFF
Season finale! It's the final weigh-in to see which contestants ass has literally been danced off.
10:30 VH1 TOOL ACADEMY
Season premiere! Another gaggle of bad boyfriends (or "tools" if you prefer) get humiliated by their naggy gals!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
10:00 FX RESCUE ME
Season finale! Janet and Sheila's perfect scheme goes to hell in a proverbial handbasket.
10:00 SPIKE SURVIVING DISASTER
Debut! Helpful tips on what to do when terrorists hijack your airplane. Hint: Calling the airline to complain probably won't help.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
8:30 CBS FALL PREVIEW
CBS trots out clips of its fall shows, which includes NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, and Matlock: NCIS.
9:00 FOX GLEE
If you missed it the first time, be sure to catch the pilot for the most nerdtastic theater-geek show ever!
Suck it, Satan!
