There are two great joys in life: (1) the satisfying "thunk" one hears when driving an eight-inch serrated blade into the thumping heart of a marauding grizzly bear, which comes crashing out of a thicket under the very wrong assumption that the skinny dipper standing wet and nude in front of him will be an easy "mark," and (2) Lifetime made-for-TV movies! I've certainly celebrated my love for both of these things in the past, but I must say that when push comes to shove, I'd prefer a cozy evening at home watching such fantastically terrible Lifetime fare as My Stepson, My Lover, She Woke Up Pregnant, and Mother May I Sleep with Danger (there's usually less blood and fur involved).
So you can imagine my thrill when I learned there's a brand-new and absolutely terrible Lifetime movie debuting on Saturday, January 21, at 8 p.m. entitled Drew Peterson: Untouchable, starring (SQUEEEEEEEE!!) Rob Lowe! (By the way, that "SQUEEEEEEEE!!" you heard wasn't me screamingâthat was Rob Lowe playing the saxophone in St. Elmo's Fire.)
Based on a true storyâbecause all the best Lifetime movies areâRob plays Illinois ex-cop Drew Peterson, who you may remember from the news as the guy accused of killing not one... but TWO of his four ex-wives! Unsurprisingly, Peterson denies the charges and currently awaits trial in a Joliet detention center. BUT! The real Peterson actually sent a cease-and-desist letter to the makers of this Lifetime movie in a failed attempt to stop productionâwhich, if you ask me, would also have been an unforgivable crime!
Seriously, Drew? Innocent or not, you'd try to stop (SQUEEEEEEEE!!) Rob Lowe from portraying you in a movie? Sir, I've seen pictures, and you best resemble the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz. You should be down on your knees, loudly thanking whatever god you happen to believe in that (SQUEEEEEEEE!!) Rob Lowe agreed to portray you in a Lifetime movie. Because he looks NOTHING like you. He had to undergo countless hours of (1) intensive meathead wig fittings, (2) splotchy makeup applied to his beautiful face, and (3) a big booshy mustache being superglued to his razor-thin upper lipâwhich has the unfortunate side effect of making his saxophone playing sound something like this: "MFFLPFFLEEEEEEEEE!!"
Now, if you readers haven't seen the trailer for Drew Peterson: Untouchable, rush over to your closest internet and YouTube that shit right nowâbecause it will make you jump up and down and clap like a cheerleader on a meth binge. There's this one part when the gal who plays one of Peterson's wives is standing alone in a dark garage, and the door slooooowly rolls up to reveal (SQUEEEEEEEE!!) Rob Lowe in his Cowardly Lion outfit making a poor attempt to snarl, "I'm untouchable, bitch." (SQUEEEEEEEE!!) That was me SQUEEEEEEEEing, BTW.
Naturally, the only thing that could make this terrible movie even more enjoyably terrible would be if a nude, dripping Rob Lowe were stabbing a marauding grizzly bear in the heart with an eight-inch serrated blade while snarling, "I'm untouchable, bear." (SQUEEEEEEEE!!) Did I mention he's also playing the saxophone? 
