From the Sep 12 – Sep 18, 2002 issue

Columns

I Love Television

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

There are two things you can always count on in life as absolute FACTS. The first one is "Humpy's bottom is the structural model of perfection," and the second is "Hillbillies are always funny!" And though in about a week you will probably be reading a letter in our "Letters to the Editor" section saying that I am a big, fat racist, DON'T BELIEVE IT. In actuality, I am tall, svelte, and smart enough to know that "hillbillies" are not a race. They are toothless, they wear funny hats, they smoke corncob pipes, they drink moonshine, they sleep all day on the porches of their mountain shacks, and if any pesky "revenooers" come poking around, they show them the business end of their squirrel rifles!

And even more important? They know they're hilarious, too. Otherwise... why would they dress like that? Why would they shoot at their neighbors? And most important, if they're NOT hilarious, then why does almost every traveling-salesman joke involve a hillbilly? They DO, they ARE, and... I... WIN.

Why the strenuous argumentation in defense of those hilarious hillbillies? Because CBS is currently developing a hillbilly reality show, and I'm afraid some of you PC carpetbagger hippies are going to gum up the works!

Here's the lowdown: Casting directors are currently searching high and low in the mountain regions of North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Arkansas to find the perfect clan of banjo-pickin' hillbilly folk. When they're located, the whole dad-blamed family is going to be whisked off to a mansion in Beverly Hills, where they will be given tons of cash and waited on hand and foot by a team of butlers and maids--for an ENTIRE YEAR. Does this plot sound familiar? Well, it will after you hear what they're calling the show: The Real Beverly Hillbillies.

Now, I'm sure there are certain aspects of the show that won't correspond with the original 1960s sitcom. The father probably won't strike oil by shooting at a polecat. The granny probably won't ride on top of their truck in a rocking chair. Their banker friend probably won't have a lesbian for a secretary.

However! There are a few things that I will have to insist upon! The daughter has to be ha-ha-HOT. She must refer to the swimming pool as a "cement pond." She must wear a bathing suit 80 percent of the time, and have all sorts of "critters" roaming around the mansion, including but not limited to (a) an opossum, (b) a wildcat, (c) an otter, (d) the occasional elephant, and (e) a clothed monkey.

So if any of you highfalutin hippie types are planning on screwing up what will probably be the most high-larious movin' picture show ever made? Then ye best recollect that ah'm a Southern boy myself, and this is one ex-hillbilly who knows how to use a squirrel rifle! Yeeee-HAW! Ah loooove shootin' me some cityfolk!