Hey! Have you seen that new show Birds of Prey? It's not very good, is it? But that's not going to stop me from writing about it! Because even in the biggest piles of poop, one can still find a glistening diamond. Actually, that's not true, because I've had my mitts in a lot of poop, and I've never seen anything remotely resembling a diamond.

But wouldn't it be cool if you could actually find a diamond in every piece of poop? See, I think that's why people commit suicide. Maybe if you did receive a beautiful diamond every time you took a poop, people would say, "Wow! Life isn't so bad, after all!" Suicide rates would drop, and everyone would be wearing little poopy diamonds on their fingers. Which brings me back to Birds of Prey, and how it isn't very good, is it?

The really troubling thing about Birds of Prey (Wednesdays, WB, 9:00 p.m.) is that it has all three elements of a great show: superheroes, fistfighting, and three hot chicks. And yet: poop. The story is based in the comic-book city of New Gotham, where Batman has bugged out after suffering a nervous breakdown. This leaves the crime-ridden city in the hands of former Batgirl Barbara Gordon, who is confined to a wheelchair after being gunned down by the Joker. Since she now has all the crime-fighting abilities of Dr. Kerry Weaver from ER, she takes in a couple of hotties to help her out. There's a runaway psychic, Dinah, and the illegitimate love child of Catwoman and Batman, who calls herself "the Huntress." In other words, welcome to Poopville, USA!

However! There is something decidedly shiny in this pile of stink, and that's Detective Reese, played by former Young and the Restless actor Shemar Moore, who can also be seen nightly in any number of fantasies I employ while diddling my fiddle. This hunk of man-meat is hotty-hot-HOT!! And to the show's credit, they use every opportunity at their disposal to rip his shirt off. Like the episode where Detective Reese and the Huntress are trapped in a sauna? Let me tell you, they weren't the only ones going "drip, drip, drip!" Naturally, his acting is horrible--but who cares when he can drip like that?

And speaking of acting, another reason to tune in is to watch Dinah the psychic's nostrils. They're fascinating! I was watching this one scene where Dinah was really upset, and her nostrils started flaring to the size of the Mammoth Caves--and suddenly the scene was over, and I had no idea what she had said! I was bewitched by the nostrils!

Nostrils and dripping aside, there's not a lot to recommend in this show, so maybe you should watch something else. However! Since I'm obsessed with nose-holes and abs that look like a pack of hot dogs, I'll continue to watch Birds of Prey--at least until it's canceled. Which should be in about three weeks. See? There is a diamond in this poop after all!