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A few of you have mentioned that you "don't like" me much and that I might be happier living somewhere else—perhaps in an "alternate reality." Well, let me tell YOU something! I would like nothing more! You think this reality is a cakewalk for me? I have absolutely no business being in this particular universe—what with your stringent "rules" and "laws" against public nudity, rampant drug use, and squad-car larceny!
The bad news is: (a) I have no idea if an alternate reality exists, (b) if an alternate reality does exist, I have no idea how to get there, and, most horribly, (c) what if another "me" already lives there? The thought of a nice, non-blow-snorting, upstanding citizen ("alternate reality me") suffering in a universe where inhaling copious amounts of booger sugar is actually encouraged? That breaks my heart.
Stranger Personals
Alternate reality me is probably also a very square, uninteresting newspaper columnist with a lousy butt and very little sexual experience. Yet in his reality, the world is probably a nonstop drunken rager where Charlie Sheen is president, there's a war on hugs (not drugs), and a free handjob is administered every time you fill up your Humvee. (Sob! I WANT TO LIVE IN THAT WORLD!!!)
Anyway, I got to thinking about all this "alternate reality" business after watching the new NBC cop/fantasy drama Awake (debuting Thurs March 1 at 10 pm). Unlike the "cop fantasies" I'm used to, this one doesn't involve me in the back of a patrol car, handcuffed, blindfolded, and dressed like a hooker. Awake stars Jason Isaacs (Brotherhood) as police detective Michael Britten who, along with his wife and son, is involved in a devastating car accident. When he comes to, Michael learns his son is dead and his wife Hannah (Laura Allen) is consumed by grief. HOWEVER! The next time he falls asleep, he awakes to another reality where his son is alive and his wife is dead! WHAAAAAT THAAAA FAWWWWWK?
To make things even more confusing, Michael has no idea which reality is "real." He solves crimes in each reality (which are weirdly connected), spends time with his wife or son (depending on which reality he happens to inhabit at the time), and visits competing psychologists (each trying to convince him that the other one doesn't exist)!
The awesome things about Awake outweigh the problems—the cast is unilaterally terrific, the writing is sufficiently smarty-pants, and the direction keeps us from forgetting which reality we're watching. My only question: Why is this a series? The first episode is aces, but it would've made a much better movie. I can't imagine how they'll be able to sustain the intensity and interest throughout multiple episodes. Regardless! Smart, well-acted TV doesn't come around every day, so give Awake the shot it deserves. (No matter which reality you inhabit.)
As for me, I'll continue working on a way to free (and switch places with) my alternate reality counterpart—which will hopefully transpire before my felony trial next week. (I'll bet alternate reality President Charlie Sheen has no problem with me using a stolen Oscar Mayer Weinermobile to steal monkeys from the zoo. Did I mention I was nude?) 
Next, his son comes back from the dead, ammouncing he's really Jesus H. Christ!
The next fifteen minutes of the show features some whacky talk radio show broadcast from Hell and hosted by a whackjob named A. Breitbart, asking the public to guess what the "H" in Jesus H. Christ's name stands for!
At the very end of this alternate reality show, some guy who identifies himself as J.R. Ewing, declares everything to be a dream, and that his personal dream is to change his name to Rick Perry and run for the presidency as the World's Dumbest Texan (he'll have a lot of competition for that title).
[And what's the big deal about Jesus the crucifixion? Are there still history illiterates around who don't understand that the Roman Empire crucified thousands and thousands of poor unfortunates? Of course, they would crucify Jesus, when there are some Jews out there really deserving of a good old-fashioned, down home crucifixion. (For a list of Jews worthy of a crucifixion, please see list at end.***)]
Now, I'd like to address a personal annoying grievance of mine -- all those idiotic and crazy suicide bombers out there!
Aside from all the innocent people they've killed -- who might have been responsible in the future for curing cancer or discovering anti-gravity, or developing an affordable Japanese robot sex doll (not that I would know anything about those) or a RealTouch device for under $20.00 (not that I would know anything about those) -- they are destroying the job market for professional assassins!!!
Do you have anyidea how many times an agent or broker has called me back to cancel a job because the client has realized they could call a Hezbollah substation office, or al Qaeda on Wall Street, and order a suicide bomber for almost free?
Holy Mother of Godzilla already!!!!
Those suicide people breed like rabbits and appear to be in inexhaustible supply!
Also, do those suicide bomber sickos really believe there's a bunch of diseased virgins on the other side, just waiting to give them a dose of the clapp?
(Hey! How about a third variation on that Awake show: Michael awakens to find a mob of pissed-off virgins, armed with blow torches, chasing a group of deceased suicide bombers to and fro?)
And speaking of virgins, in that Cienna Madrid article, some moronic pharmacist asks, "What if baby Jesus had been aborted?"
WTF??? Hold it!! A virgin abortion? Jaysus!!
It's not bad enough people are supposed to swallow this virgin birth shinola, but virgin abortions too?
(Yo, yo, Joseph, I'm knocked up again, dear, and it's another virgin birth thingy!
Joseph responds: Oh, puuuhlease, Mary, cut the crap already, I'm already the butt of all the village jokes. Whenever I pass any villagers they snicker at me, "There goes the mighty Joseph, father of a thousand virgin births!"
Joseph: We'll have to move once again, Mary, and probably to Nazareth this time.
Do you have any idea what that could to do a kid, growing up with a name like Ralph of Nazareth, or Jesus of Nazareth? With such a name, he'll probably end up being crucified!)
If that whackjob pharmacist had a brain, he would have suggested, what if some Hebrew pharmacist had prescribed aspirin for Mary, so she could hold it between her kneeds to stop spreading her legs for every Cain, Abel or Rush Bimbo who rolled by? Oy vey!
If you enjoyed my writing, please send all your cash, free coupons, movie and concert tickets to the sgt_doom Foundation, ostensibly existing to end homelessness, world hunger, breast cancer, the heartbreak of psoriasis, Britney Spear's vage itch (just wear some panties, Britney, unless you're planning to hang with me....heh, heh!), and virgin births!
Really, my foundation exists for the same reason the majority of those other 50,000 plus foundations exist: as tax-exempt financial fraud structures to hide wealth, ownership of other companies, trusts, stocks, bonds and other financial instruments, etc.
***Jews worthy of crucifixion: Alan Greenspan, Robert Rubin, Larry Summers, Arthur Levitt, Ben Stein, Bill Krystol, Richard Perle, Henry Kissinger, Lloyd Blankfein, Neal Wolin, Gary Gensler, Jeffrey Immelt, Mary Shapiro, Ben Bernanke, etc., etc., etc.
If you've made it this far, here's the serious item: a character named C. Fred Bergsten is stepping down as a director of the Peterson Institute. Bergsten is the typical sleazoid who made big bucks as a counterparty to Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns demise during that economic meltdown.
If you unfamiliar with C. Fred Bergsten and his background, you don't know jack!
If you are unfamiliar with what the Peterson Institute is, and the unceasing damage they have wrought against the American people and workers over the many years, you don't know jack!
http://www.eclac.org/noticias/paginas/2/…
In 2007 C. Fred Bergsten resuscitated the idea of a Substitution Account through which SDRs might be substituted for dollar reserves as a way of allowing central banks to diversify out of dollars without precipitating a dollar crash, which might undermine confidence in U.S. financial markets.
The above paragraph is about the final collapse of the dollar, and what's left of the American economy they've been dismantling over the past 35 years, to enrich themselves and screw the rest of us!
I'm not saying that maybe America doesn't deserve this, but cretins like C. Fred Bergsten will walk away with a fortune, while the rest of us have to scramble to keep from starving!
The first dictate in war is to know the enemy. They know us, but how many of us realize who they -- the enemy -- are?
O F F I C I A L WARNING
If there's anyone out there I failed to offend, not to worry.
I will track you down.
I will find you.
And, eventually, I will offend you!
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