I Love Television
God Doesn't Like You Much
"Never again!" reader Thomas G. Mcree, of Florida, angrily writes.
Dear Wm. Steven Humphrey: Your article is one of the most offensive and vulgar articles I have ever read in a public publication that is out for anyone to pick up free. If you are on an airplane, as I have been, with a major problem, when normal people start praying for the Lord from disaster, are you still going to make fun of them? I think you will pray with the rest of the people. —Thomas G. Mcree
For those just arriving, Thomas' anger is ejaculating from my recent column entitled "Dear Jeff Foxworthy," which made merciless fun of the redneck comedian, his new Bible quiz show, and... I was going to say "God," but since he doesn't exist, it's kind of hard to make fun of him. But that certainly doesn't stop me from trying, does it?
HOWEVER! Thomas brings up a fascinating question: If I were involved in some sort of disaster—an actual disaster, not just running out of Totino's Pizza Rolls—would I suddenly panic and pray alongside the "normal" people?
Mmmmmmmmmmmm... sure. Why not? HOWEVER! I'm pretty sure my "praying" would sound a lot like "yelling"—because after all, if God does exist and he dropped a disaster in my lap, I certainly wouldn't be singing his praises. I'D BE PISSED, and praying something like this: "Oh my YOU, you're the worst god... like, ever! I get that you hate me—but you're also trying to kill Thomas G. Mcree and all the other dumb-butt Christians who actually believe you exist? YOU, SIR, ARE A JERK."
Obviously, I'm a terrible person to have around during a disaster. Which is why if there is a god, he's certainly not going to allow me anywhere around his followers—especially during a cataclysm. And thusly? I SHALL LIVE... FOREVER!!!
Speaking of disasters, did you know that this Sunday marks the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic? And if there's anyone who loves Titanic disaster porn more than God, it's TV! That means there's a butt-load of specials this weekend gleefully remembering the tragedy. There's Rebuilding Titanic (National Geographic Channel, Sun April 15, 10 am), about some engineers who didn't get the hint the first time God tried to drown these people. There's also Titanic at 100: Mystery Solved (History Channel, Sun April 15, 8 pm), which I can sum up for you in three words: God did it. And finally, there's the ABC miniseries Titanic (Sat April 14, 8 pm), which dramatically reenacts the tragedy without endangering Kate Winslet or Leo DiCaprio. (Good, because I'm tired of God drowning Leo!)
Man! God reeeeeally hated those Titanic guys. The maiden voyage of the fanciest luxury ship of its time... and God dickishly drops an iceberg in front of it? Obviously this was his way of preemptively punishing us for global warming. God thinks he's all clever and ironic like that. That is, WHEN HE'S NOT MURDERING CHRISTIANS. (Seriously, Thomas G. Mcree! What do you see in this guy?? He's worse than Chris Brown!)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 12
9:00 ABC DON’T TRUST THE BITCH IN APARTMENT 23
Debut! A new sitcom featuring a nice roomie, an evil roomie, and James Van Der Beek (starring as himself)! SQUEEE!!
10:00 ABC REVENGE: FROM THE BEGINNING
An hour-long recap of all the double-crossing high jinks you’ve missed (probably intentionally).
THURSDAY, APRIL 12
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
The gang helps Britta avoid her ex-boyfriend… who may or may not be a vampire.
Midnight TOON EAGLEHEART
Season premiere! Funny guy Chris Elliott returns in this very bloody parody of Walker, Texas Ranger.
FRIDAY, APRIL 13
9:00 CBS LIONEL RICHIE AND FRIENDS IN CONCERT
Why can’t I be one of Lionel Richie’s friends? I know all the words to “Say You, Say Me”!
SATURDAY, APRIL 14
10:00 A&E LAST CHANCE DRIVING SCHOOL
Debut! A new reality show about terrible drivers and the instructors they kill.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by hunky Josh Brolin with musical guest, the unpronounceable Gotye!
SUNDAY, APRIL 15
10:00 CBS NYC 22
Debut! A new cop drama featuring wet-behind-the-ears rookies trying to stay alive. Produced by Robert De Niro, for what that’s worth.
10:30 HBO GIRLS
Debut! A very promising new comedy about twentysomething gals in NYC. (So much better than Sex and the City, I promise!)
MONDAY, APRIL 16
10:00 BBCA RICHARD HAMMOND’S CRASH COURSE
Debut! One of the Top Gear guys attempts to operate dangerous machinery without crushing or killing anyone.
TUESDAY, APRIL 17
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Cece and sex pal Schmidt panic when she suspects she may be preggo! PANIC!!!
10:00 NGC AMISH: OUT OF ORDER
Debut! Actual ex-Amish kids leave the farm to live in the big city. Disaster is imminent.
Follow me on Twitter! (I’m disaster proof!) @WmSteveHumphrey