As you undoubtedly realize, I am a good person, and good people do not sit in judgment of other people's sexual proclivities. Especially when I just finished sexually procliverating a few minutes ago! Ahh-ROOOO! Yeeaaahhh, mama! Pant! Pant! Rrrrrrowwwrrr!!! Ahh-OOH-GAHHH!

Okay, goddammit. What was my point? Oh, yeah! Today we're going to talk about dirty TV stars--and while there have been oodles of television celebs well known for doing the licky-boom-boom-down (Lee Majors, John Travolta, David Hasselhoff, Luke Perry, Don Johnson, William Shatner, Tom Selleck, and especially David Cassidy), there is one star who bounced the booty more than any other: Burt Ward, who played Robin on the '60s hit Batman. How do I know he jammed the jimmy more than the rest? BECAUSE HE WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT!

Ward's autobiography is called Boy Wonder: My Life in Tights (now on sale at Amazon.com), and it is perhaps the FILTHIEST memoir I've read since stumbling upon my Grandpappy Humphrey's diary (titled To All the Girls I've Porked Before). While Burt's book has a few chapters devoted to his childhood and behind-the-scenes glimpses of the Batman set, the author spends a LOT of time describing his sexual conquests in butt-cringing detail.

For example! When the show topped the ratings, Burt and Adam West (Batman) would prowl the nightclubs at night, where, according to Ward, "thousands of young women were inseminated with BatSperm... our ultimate autograph." "Ewwww" is RIGHT! But believe me, it gets far worse. "Some women," Burt claims, "in frenzied anticipation, climaxed repeatedly in front of us before we even touched them. Desperately they begged for repeated transfusions of our bodily fluids. Not uncommon were panic calls in the middle of the night, begging for a frantic orgasm or to drink from our fountains."

You think I'm kidding.... I'M NOT.

Ward goes on to describe, in similarly disgusting detail, supplying bisexual chicks with NINE orgasms, engaging in an eight-girl orgy, lining up ladies for a game of "bobbing the boa," allowing Adam West to watch him have sex (ICK!!), and my favorite story, in which Burt steals a girl away from Donny Most (Happy Days' Ralph Malph) and bangs her in an airplane toilet.

In other words, this is a pretty freaking good book.

But anyway, I wanted to tell you that story so I could tell you this: On Sunday, March 9, at 9:00 p.m. on CBS, the dynamic duo returns in a reunion special of sorts titled Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt. And while these types of shows are usually groaners, at least this show has a plot (wherein Adam and Burt try to retrieve a stolen Batmobile)--and in perhaps the best part, the script is based on Burt Ward's dirty, dirty book!

Does this mean they'll have dramatic reenactments of fans drinking from the Burt Ward "fountain"? C'mon! This is CBS, for crap's sake! My advice is to watch the special, then read the book to fill in those dirty, dirty blanks!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have my own "dirty blank" which is in dire need of filling.