UGGGHHNNNHH!!! It's time for the Olympics again?? IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR YEARS!! Groooooan, the Olympics are, like, the worst... thing... ever! And, yes, I'm including (1) George Zimmerman, (2) rancid cotton candy, (3) mysterious anal pains, (4) nose pimples, (5) visiting relatives, (6) empty pens that are returned to the pen cup, even though I've told that person a thousand times not to do so, (7) celery, (8) Holocostco —terrible name for a discount store, (9) weenie dogs, and (10) leukemia. Okay... fine... putting an empty pen back in the pen cup is worse than the Olympics. BUT I'M STANDING BEHIND THE REST!
Now, I understand these Olympic Games are supposed to represent and celebrate Herculean efforts—but why do they choose dumb stuff? I perform Herculean efforts EVERY SINGLE DAY—and does anyone care? Are there 17 days of near-constant TV programming dedicated to my activities? Do underarm deodorants clamor to sponsor me? Are foreign countries shaking their fists and cursing my name? (Yes... because I'm not a very respectful tourist. BUT "NO" TO THOSE OTHER THINGS!)
To prove my point, here are five upcoming televised Olympic events paired with my own corresponding Herculean efforts. YOU decide which is more awesome!
OPENING CEREMONIES (NBC, Fri July 27, 7:30 pm): This is gonna suck because no one will ever top what China did in 2008. And it's based in London, where their idea of "pageantry" is lots of umbrellas, fish 'n' chips, drunks, and mangled teeth.
MY HERCULEAN EFFORT: While I can't top China, either, one time I stole a fire truck and raced it around town with eight nude cheerleaders on top tripping on LSD. Beat that, limeys.
MEN'S GYMNASTICS (NBC, Sat July 28, 8 pm): Other than to engorge my penis with blood, why does this event exist? So WHAT if you can stand on one hand for 30 minutes or hop up and down on a trampoline? Check out...
MY HERCULEAN EFFORT: I can drink 20 cans of beer, come in third place in a potato-sack race, and cover the judges' table with vomit! (Which the Millard Fillmore Elementary annual field day organizers didn't appreciate very much.)
SWIMMING (NBC, Mon July 30, 8 pm): Former Olympic gold-medal winner Michael Phelps will be defending his title against hot poop swimmer Ryan Lochte in the 200 meter freestyle final.
MY HERCULEAN EFFORT: Former fifth-grade spelling-bee finalist Wm.™ Steven Humphrey will be boning the hot wife of a Phoenix-area dental hygienist and her Mormon sister—AT THE SAME TIME. (Not sure if the Mormon is married or not.)
CANOEING (NBC, Tues, July 31, 9 am): You've GOT to be kidding.
MY HERCULEAN EFFORT: Yesterday I slept for 15 hours. Seriously?? CANOEING??
BEACH VOLLEYBALL (NBC, Wed Aug 1, 8 pm): This is the ONLY Olympic event worth watching, and it could only be improved upon with either nudity, superhero costumes, or a ball doused in lighter fluid and set aflame. It's still pretty good, though.
MY HERCULEAN EFFORT: I've written nearly 1,000 of these TV columns since I first started back in 1994. And almost 25 percent of them actually had something to do with television. WOOT! Suck it, Olympics!