I Love Television
Bullets of Joy
I'm feeling a bit insecure right now. As regular readers of I Love Television™ know, I've made a career out of sexual and occasionally violent shenanigans. I'm not bragging, but if you can't remember the last time you instigated a drug-and-alcohol-fueled orgy involving a stolen police van, 27 drag queens, a case of Hormel Chili, and the graduating class of a Catholic girls school—then I guess I am bragging. That being said... I'VE BEEN ONE-UPPED!
Here I was, smugly thinking to myself that I'm the most grotesque, morally contaminated deviant to ever sell kittens into slavery—and along comes a comedy series that's so deranged, so violent, and so steeped in debauchery that even its own network is ashamed of it! Say hello to Bullet in the Face (debuting this Thursday, August 16, on IFC at 10 p.m.), which was originally intended to run over six consecutive weeks. HOWEVER. According to reports, once the network brass watched the thing—jam-crammed with face shootings, leg breakings, head decapitatings, and occasional blowjobbing? Well, let's just say there was a lot of throat clearing, collar pulling, uncomfortable silencing, and maybe after they got home, a little blowjobbing.
So instead of loudly tooting their horn that they have the craziest, funniest, most insanely psycho-violent sitcom ever? IFC has chosen to only half-promote it and run the entire series in two nights featuring back-to-back episodes. A chicken-poop move? Maybe—but a real chicken-poop move would've been to shelve this project entirely or quietly release it down the road on DVD. So kudos to you, IFC—because Bullet in the Face is going to make people squirt bullets of joy into their underpants!
The plot: Psychopath career criminal Gunter Vogler (Max Williams) is a bat-crap-crazy kraut, as well as a misogynistic, brutally cruel assassin. (So far so good, right?) When his face gets blasted off by his lover's bullet, the police pay for his plastic surgery and new looks—and in exchange? Gunter becomes an undercover cop. (This plan needs further consideration if you ask me... but whatever! Let's get to the bloodshed!)
The still insane—if not more so—Gunter is sent to infiltrate two warring gangs headed by a pair of crackpot mob bosses (comedian Eddie Izzard and film fave Eric Roberts), and what transpires is more than a bloodbath... it's an Exxon Valdez–sized bloodspill, featuring hot bikini-clad chicks with machine guns, car chases, buildings exploding, needless treachery, skull smashing, girl fights, random basketball-team murdering, dentist abuse, and yep... at least a few dozen bullets to the face.
And through it all? HILARITY ENSUES. Bullet in the Face plays like a cross between Reservoir Dogs and Arrested Development—little wonder, since its creator/producer is the brilliant Alan Spencer, best known for the unforgettable '80s cop sitcom Sledge Hammer!
So while my own grotesque exploits may not reach the sidesplitting, deliriously violent heights of Bullet in the Face, I'll try to remember that no one "owns" lascivious malevolence, and it's not a competition! (That being said, I'm throwing an orgy this weekend featuring all the people mentioned above PLUS an extra FIVE cases of Hormel Chili! You in?)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15
8:00 CW OH SIT!
Debut! Like an adult version of “musical chairs”—except you might snap your spine. I approve.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 16
9:00 CW THE NEXT
Debut! Faded stars like Gloria Estefan help contestants in yet another singing competition show STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!
10:30 FX LOUIE
Part of being a dad means dealing with rashes on your kids’ juicy bits. Deal with it.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 17
10:00 IFC BULLET IN THE FACE
The second night and final three episodes of the bloodiest, most violentist, and funniest sitcom ever!
SATURDAY, AUGUST 18
10:00 BBCA THE NERDIST
The nerds devote an entire episode to time travel, in which I travel to the future and proclaim it “awesome.”
11:00 COM AMY SCHUMER: MOSTLY SEX
One of the most hilarious female comics currently working, in her own standup special.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 19
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Walt, Jess, and Mike experience “occupational hazards.” Hope they’ve got workman’s comp.
10:00 BBCA COPPER
Debut! An Irish immigrant cop investigates murders in 1864 NYC in this fun Brit import!
MONDAY, AUGUST 20
10:00 NBC GRIMM
Nick and his mom team up to fight a deadly occult force, and… MOOOM! YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME!!
10:30 MTV THE INBETWEENERS
Debut! Another great Brit comedy ruined by MTV. (And yet… no one stops them!!)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 21
10:30 SYFY COLLECTION INTERVENTION
Adults who obsessively collect toys undergo therapy. I’m safe though… I collect SOULS.
Bang! Bang! Pew! Pew! Pew! Twitter. @WmSteveHumphrey