Greetings, new Christian conservative readers! I welcome you to I Love Television™—the only TV column that believes in the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ while actively despising Hispanic illegal immigrants. (Confidential to regular readers: Not really! My bosses noticed that approval ratings have dipped... coincidentally when this newspaper started running my column. So now I'm courting the "Christian conservatives" in a desperate, cynical attempt to boost my numbers and keep my job. Hey, it worked for Republicans, right? Shhhhh! Mum's the word.)
Let's talk about television... right after this quick word of prayer. "Oh sweet glorious Jesus! Thank you for smiting the world's wicked-doers, which includes, but is not limited to, hell-bound atheists, liquor enthusiasts, internet porn sites, rap music, President Obama, the previously mentioned Hispanic immigrants, and sexy gay people with six-pack abs and tight butts that look like two French bulldogs fighting in a sack. In Chick-fil-A we pray... amen."
Now that we have the Lord's blessing, let's begin! As we know, television is a stinking cesspool of sinful donkey excrement, enjoyed by those who will ultimately find their bottoms on the business end of Satan's pitchfork while dog-paddling hell's deepest lake of fire. HOWEVER! Even in the deepest, darkest crevices of the devil's anal canal, there are shining squirts of hope. For example:
• The American Bible Challenge (Game Show Network, Thurs Aug 23, 8 pm): Finally, a game show that doesn't focus on stupid facts! Comedian (?) Jeff Foxworthy is the host of this competition, in which teams of amateur biblical scholars find out who knows the most about the holiest of scriptures. (Yeah! Suck it, Koran! You don't have a game show, do ya? In your ugly foreign FACE!) Contestants answer such tricky questions as "Should women shut up?" (Answer: YES, according to 1 Timothy 2:12, which does not permit women to have authority over men, but does allow them to "be quiet.") Or "What emotion should one feel while smashing an infant on some rocks?" (Answer: HAPPINESS... at least according to Psalm 137. Can't wait to hear Jeff Foxworthy's hilarious joke for that one. Oh, sides! Please don't split!)
• The Republican National Convention (PBS, Mon Aug 27, 8 pm): Hooray! Finally, a three-day event solely devoted to poop-talking President Obama. (Like Fox News, except with confetti, balloons, and an overwhelming number of white people!) Expect boisterous, tearful speeches about how Obama has turned this glorious, moralistic country into the satanic butthole of a goat, from such conservative heavy hitters as New Jersey governor Chris Christie, Florida senator Marco Rubio, fat person Jeb Bush, Jesus Christ II (Rick Santorum), and... wait. Where's Sarah Palin? Huh. That's weird. Well, they're probably saving her for the end, right? OH, and I'm sure we'll hear a word or two from GOP nominee Mittens Romney, who will arrive on a gold-plated yacht showering the crowd with Chick-fil-A sandwiches and tax cuts for the rich.
Rest assured, fellow Christian conservatives, I'll be watching every minute of these two shows right beside you—in spirit! (That is, when I'm not smashing illegal Hispanic infants on rocks.) HALLELUJAH!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22
9:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS
Kids perform in the “Little Mr. and Miss Nevada Pageant,” otherwise known as “future Gamblers Anonymous.”
10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF MASTERS
The contestants are forced to cook a meal for the Indigo Girls… AND listen to their music? That’s just cruel.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 23
10:30 FX LOUIE
While searching for an old ex-girlfriend, Louie loses his daughter. Priorities, please!
Midnight TOON CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL
The chief (Megan Mullally) recounts her origins—even though no one gives a poop.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 24
8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season premiere! This season is a “college edition” in which 13 college girls drop out of school to ruin their life in a thankless, poverty-stricken profession.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 25
9:00 NBC WRESTLEMANIA 28
Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson in a heavyweight bout that I hope pays better than his movie roles.
9:00 SYFY HAUNTED HIGH—Movie
(2012) A demonic headmaster hassles a high school in this low-budget horror flick featuring Buffy’s Charisma Carpenter and Danny Trejo. :(
SUNDAY, AUGUST 26
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Season finale! Eric makes one last-ditch attempt to screw over the Authority and save Bill!
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Here’s something you don’t hear often: Mike screws up and has to make things right.
MONDAY, AUGUST 27
8:00 PBS REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION
The GOP kicks off its convention with a “Salute to America and the Foreigners and Gays We Hate.”
10:00 ABC BACHELOR PAD
The horny singles face off in a spelling bee. First word: chlamydia.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 28
10:00 TLC ABBY & BRITTANY
Debut! A new reality series about… CONJOINED TWINS. Oh, TLC! You’re “learning” me so good.
Praise Jesus and pass the Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey