I Love Television
C'mon! Let's (Feign Some) EXCITEMENT!!
If there's one thing these Republican and Democratic conventions have taught me, it's this: Feigned excitement always trumps the truth! Both parties have been crowing for their candidates like a team of cheerleaders hopped up on crystal meth—with little regard for facts or the knowledge that most of us decided who we were voting for on November 5, 2008.
However! That being said, "enthusiasm" counts for a lot—especially in the sack. While I prefer the sexual wiles and experience of older lovers, it's fun to occasionally hop on the bone train with someone in their early 20s (who tend to treat coitus with the same aggressive enthusiasm as an Olympic gymnast working a pommel horse). That's why I've decided to be super-duper "enthusiastic" and "upbeat positive" about this week's TV offerings—even though they kind of suck the poop out of a syphilitic hippo's bottom hole. (Hey, it works for the GOP, right?) YAAAAYYYY! CHECK IT OUT!!!
• DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION (Thurs Sept 6, 9 pm, all nets): It's the last night of the Democratic convention! And after three nights of strident accolades about how insanely awesome the Democrats are, President Obama will step up to the mic in a futile effort to convince us that we haven't been pretty disappointed in his performance thus far! HOORAY FOR FUTILE EFFORTS! Boom-shaka-lacka-BOOM!
• CBS FALL PREVIEW (Mon Sept 10, 8:30 pm, CBS): Wake up grandma and make sure she's taken her heart medicine, because here's a sneaky-peek at all of CBS's new fall shows! From the same network that brought you NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, and NCIS: Colostomy Bag Victims Unit comes a slew of copycat comedies and dramas including Elementary (copycatting Sherlock), Made in Jersey (copycatting The Good Wife), Vegas (copycatting Mad Men), and Partners (copycatting Fox's 1995 Partners, which had almost exactly the same plot). YAAAY FOR RECYCLING!
• DOCTOR WHO (Sat Sept 8, 9 pm, BBCA): Okay, this is something to be legitimately excited about: a Doctor Who episode entitled "Dinosaurs on a Spaceship." (!!) The Who crew winds up on an ancient spaceship populated by nerd-hungry dinosaurs! Luckily, an Egyptian queen, a big-game hunter, a space pirate, and Rory's dad also hop aboard to hasten along the dinos' reextinction, because DOCTOR WHO WANTS THESE MOTHER-EFFING DINOSAURS OFF HIS MOTHER-EFFING SPACESHIP!
• THE NEW NORMAL (Tues Sept 11, 9:30 pm, NBC): It's the new dramedy from Ryan Murphy (American Horror Story! YAY! Glee! BLECH!) about a gay couple that allows a single mom to cook their baby in her belly. That didn't come out right. She's gonna be their surrogate mom! YAY SURROGATE MOMS! YAY GAYS! BOOO LITERALLY COOKING BABIES! BOOOOOO GLEE!!
• ABBY & BRITTANY (Tues Sept 11, 10:30 pm, TLC): It's the season (and possible series) finale of the controversial TLC reality show Abby & Brittany, which documents the life of a pair of conjoined twins! That's right—two heads, one body. AND they're airing it on September 11, which is practically forcing me to make a "conjoined twin towers" joke—which I will not do BECAUSE IT WILL GET ME FIRED! Screw you, TLC, and HOORAY FOR EMPLOYMENT!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
8:00 TLC HONEY BOO BOO MARATHON
Catch up on all the episodes thus far of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. (Don’t worry, I won’t tell a soul.)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
8:00 MTV MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS
Starring Rihanna, Ke$ha, Green Day, Miley Cyrus, and the false statement that MTV still shows videos when it doesn’t.
9:00 NBC DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
President Obama accepts his party’s nomination while sending out a few more e-mails begging for money.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
8:00 All Nets STAND UP TO CANCER
A fundraiser for cancer research starring Taylor Swift, Matt Damon, Alicia Keys, Samuel L. Jackson and Gwyneth Paltrow (who is worse than cancer).
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
8:00 CBS US OPEN: WOMEN’S FINAL
Featuring the best women tennis players in the world and the funny sounds they make when hitting the ball.
9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
Dinosaurs? On a spaceship? Set phasers on “extinction.”
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
10:00 TLC BREAKING AMISH
Debut! A new reality series in which Amish kids leave their communities to whoop it up in New York City.
Midnight TOON ROBOT CHICKEN
Season premiere! Check out this hilarious “DC Comics Special” where all your fave Super Friends are viciously mocked.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
8:00 NBC THE VOICE
Season premiere! America’s current favorite singing show returns after a failed attempt at making everyone hate it.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
9:00 NBC GO ON
Chandler Bing stars in this new (and kind of funny) sitcom about a loose cannon sportscaster.
9:30 NBC THE NEW NORMAL
Debut! A gay couple chooses a single mom to bake their child in her vagina oven. (I know nothing about reproduction.)