"Oh, boo-hoo-hoo," I hear you cry. "Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, I'm scared of the coming apocalypse, and therefore I'm a big tubby crybaby with a diaper full of bottom squirts because I am such a scaredy-cat crybaby chicken bawk-bawk!" YOU DISGUST ME. I am not the least bit scared of the coming apocalypse, for two reasons: (1) I have mad survival skillz, and (2) I'm not a scaredy-cat crybaby chicken bawk-bawk-BAAAAAWWWK!
But if you're not scared? Then you obviously haven't seen the previews for Revolution—the new NBC show from J. J. Abrams (Lost) and Eric Kripke (Supernatural) that debuts this week (Mon Sept 17, 10 pm). Revolution begins by depicting a modern device-heavy world much like our own, when suddenly... KLUNK! Hey! Some stupid jerk shut off all the electricity in the entire world! And now? Nothing works. No lights, no phones, no internet, no planes, no cars... even batteries are inexplicably on the fritz! (That's right, ladies—no buzzy vibrators. Now do I have your attention?)
Within 15 years, the world reverts to the dark ages, where militias and warlords are the new government, and families are forced to sit by candlelight at night, reenacting old episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. (That's what I would do, anyway.) However, in Revolution, things are much busier for a young teen whose dad is murdered, and then she sets off on a quest to rescue her kidnapped brother, as well as locate her uncle who (gasp!) may have something to do with the worldwide blackout! As you can see, there are pros and cons to this postapocalyptic arrangement.
Pro: She gets to carry and shoot a crossbow, and be favorably compared to the girl in The Hunger Games.
Con: EWW! Sometimes people shoot muskets. Even George Washington was embarrassed by muskets.
Pro: She's generally happier due to a healthier lifestyle and diet.
Con: No Totino's Pizza Rolls!
Pro: Even with no TV, there's still lots of excitement in the form of running from danger, kissing hunky boys, and sword fighting. (Who knew stabbing was so much fun?)
Cons: She's disappointed that her life is a little too similar to other apocalyptic TV shows like Terra Nova or The Walking Dead—but without the zombies or dinosaurs!
While the pilot for Revolution seriously teeters into "mehhh" territory, there's strong potential for some heavy-duty sci-fi fun—especially when they demonstrate the nuts and bolts of survival in a postapocalyptic world. My main gripe? Why wasn't I asked to be an expert consultant for this show?? When it comes to sweet-ass survival skillz, I am the BOMB-diggy-diggy. Want examples?
Example #1! Make your own homemade Totino's Pizza Rolls by inserting toe cheese from a goat into the stomach lining of a frog. Then heat and serve. Example #2! While killing village warlords with a crossbow or sword is enjoyable... I prefer a highly trained squadron of murdering bears. Pro tip: Wear chain mail and always carry fish. Example #3! A crude but effective vibrator can be fashioned by attaching an angry hive of bees to the end of a cucumber. HA! Electricity-schmecknicity. WHO NEEDS IT?!?
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
10:00 NBC GUYS WITH KIDS
Debut! A new sitcom about three thirtysomething guys desperately trying not to screw up their children.
10:00 TLC HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO
Honey Boo Boo learns how to cook spaghetti—which will put you off Italian food for eternity.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
8:00 NBC AMERICA’S GOT TALENT
Season finale! With special guest Justin Bieber—who’s from CANADA, by the way.
9:00 FOX GLEE
Season premiere! Rachel is gone! YAYYYYY! Now they’re going to lose every competition. Booooooo.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
The girls are directed by Tyler Perry—which means they have to dress up like a 60-year-old black woman.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
10:00 CMT REDNECK REHAB
Debut! Former rednecks are confronted and persuaded to return to their hillbilly roots. Why? WHY? WHYYYY???
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Season premiere! Musical guest: the awesome Frank Ocean. Host: the abysmal Seth MacFarlane.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
9:00 HBO BOARDWALK EMPIRE
Season premiere! It’s New Year’s Eve in 1922, a time when everyone should resolve not to be killed by Al Capone.
9:00 E! KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS
Season finale! Kourtney’s baby is born… and what’s that funny “666” on its forehead?
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
9:00 FOX THE MOB DOCTOR
Debut! A doctor joins the mob to pay off her brother’s gambling debts. Things are gonna get awwwwkward!
10:00 NBC REVOLUTION
Debut! Man, I love using this Twitter thing, and… HEY! Who turned out the lights?!?
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
10:00 SYFY HOT SET
Debut! Hollywood production designers compete against each other to build the most awesomest movie set.
Twitter! It runs on ELECTRICITY. @WmSteveHumphrey