For some weird reason, I've never been invited to moderate a presidential debate. The first of three debates between President Obama and "Golden Mittens" Romney is scheduled for Wednesday, October 3 (6 pm, all major networks), and if I were asked to moderate, I'm purrrr- etty sure I'd have a lot to offer! The way I see it, I'd bring up important subjects that are rarely discussed in the realm of political debate. SUCH AS:
1. What is UP with the new Tony's frozen Macaroni & Cheese Pizza? Have you seen this? IT'S A REAL THING. It's a grocery store pizza, except instead of toppings, it's covered with frozen macaroni and cheese. And I think I speak for the rest of the American populace in saying, THAT AIN'T RIGHT. Now, I'm not saying that this Macaroni & Cheese Pizza is worse than the Holocaust—because that would be insulting to Hitler. He'd be like, "DUDE. I admit I hated Jews, Poles, and the gays—but Tony's Pizza hates EVERYBODY. Macaroni & Cheese pizza? Man. That's ice cold." Therefore, Tony's Macaroni & Cheese Pizza is NOT worse than the Holocaust. (But it is worse than anything that happened in Darfur.)
2. What do you, as the potential next leader of the free world, plan to do about this Tony's Macaroni & Cheese Pizza problem? Do you plan to (a) launch a nuclear strike on the Tony's Pizza factory, (b) increase production of these frozen abominations and air-drop them into Iran, or (c) buy one from your grocer's freezer, take it home, bake it, and eat the shit out of it?
OH! Or (d) all of the above?
3. Which of the following new TV shows debuting this week should be fed a strategically poisoned Tony's Macaroni & Cheese Pizza?
(a) Last Resort (ABC, Thurs Sept 27, 8 pm): Homicide: Life on the Street's Andre Braugher is the captain of a US nuclear sub ordered to bomb the poop out of Pakistan. But when he refuses? The government tries to sink him! (Umm... excuse me, but nobody sinks Andre Braugher!!) Obviously, there's nothing else to do except invade a tiny island where Andre Braugher sets up his own benevolent dictatorship, and... OMG, THIS IS THE WEIRDEST IDEA FOR A SHOW EVARRRRRR!! I'm pretty sure its creator ate the newest Tony's frozen pizza (Macaroni & Cheese & Crank).
(b) Elementary (CBS, Thurs Sept 27, 10 pm): Not at all based on the success of the extremely awesome British series Sherlock (because why would it be?), Elementary stars Jonny Lee Miller as recovering addict Holmes and Lucy (Charlie's Angels) Liu as his sober assistant "Dr. Joan Watson." In a related story, Tony's Macaroni & Cheese Pizza tried to imitate a real pizza—with unfortunate results.
(c) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Nickelodeon, Sat Sept 29, 11 am): A reboot of the pretty crappy Ninja Turtle franchise from the struggling kids' network Nickelodeon. In its defense, while the Ninja Turtles love pizza, even they think Tony's Macaroni & Cheese Pizza is a "cowabungle." (GET IT?!? Oh sweet Jesus, I'm funny!!)
Presidential debate committee? I await your invitation.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Season premiere! Jay celebrates another birthday in which he wants to be left alone, and surely won’t be.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
10:00 CBS ELEMENTARY
Debut! A sad, sure to be disappointing reboot of Sherlock—which is going to be so totally different! 10:00 FX LOUIE
Season finale! In this one-hour season wrap-up, Louie’s New Year’s Eve celebration goes horribly (and hilariously) awry.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
9:00 CBS MADE IN JERSEY
Debut! A New Joisey workin’ class lawyah proves to dose high-rise fancy pants dat she’s got da right stuff, see? (That’s my New Jersey accent. You like?)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 299:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
When statues in New York come to life, the Doctor says, “Screw dis. I’m movin’ to Joisey, okay, forgeddaboutit!”
11:00 AM TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES Debut! A new CGI version featuring mutated radioactive turtles that know karate or something? That’s weird.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
9:00 ABC REVENGE
Season premiere! Last season’s dishiest, dirtiest nighttime soap returns!
10:00 ABC 666 PARK AVENUE
Debut! A Manhattan apartment building is plagued by supernatural forces—and zero rent control!
MONDAY, OCTOBER 1
8:00 CW IHEARTRADIO MUSIC FESTIVAL
Highlights from the Las Vegas concert featuring Taylor Swift, Usher, Green Day, Rihanna, and a billion more.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2
8:00 FOX RAISING HOPE
Season premiere! The Chances meet Sabrina’s freaky mom in the return of this verrrry funny sitcom.
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Old and uncool Jess and Schmidt try to befriend their young and super cool twentysomething neighbors.
Ha! HAA!! “Cowabungle.” Somebody retweet that! @WmSteveHumphrey