Sometimes I go to the mall. And the reason I sometimes go to the mall is because there's always a bunch of teenagers there. And according to my therapist (WHO IS A GODDAM QUACK, BY THE WAY!) the only way of getting over my fear of teenagers is to hang around with them more often. Why am I afraid of teenagers? Because they wear baggy pants--but it's not the bagginess I'm afraid of, it's the weird anti-gravitational device inside their pants that somehow keeps them from falling off.
There are other things I'm wary of when it comes to teenagers. They tend to make sudden, unnatural movements. They cry, scream, laugh, and become morosely sullen at the drop of a hat. They pick up on the latest fashion trends, but the second someone over 22 wears a bandana around one's head covered by a sideways baseball cap, they look at me like I'm CRAZY! Well, I'm not the CRAZY one... THEY ARE!!!
So anyway, sometimes I go to the mall. And I hang around places like Hot Topic, Wet Seal, and Orange Julius, trying not to be scared. But see, it doesn't work, because some overly pierced teenager/employee with blue hair and a copious amount of acne comes over and says, "Hey, OLD MAN! Unless you're buying a studded belt, or a Care Bears crop top, or a black button-up shirt with flames on it, I suggest you AMSCRAY!" See what I'm talking about? I don't even know what "AMSCRAY" means! Crazy teenagers and their crazy rap music talk!
To say the least, I'm not going back to the mall. And I'm firing my stoopid quack therapist. Instead I'm going back to "self-medication," or as it's more commonly known, "liquor and television." First thing I do is get a bottle of Cap'n Morgan Spiced Rum. The second thing I get is a straw. Then I turn on the TV to that Nickelodeon channel, which is literally brimming with frightening teenagers. However! This only works for so long because, as we know, those Nickelodeon teens are ultra-polite versions of real teens who you always see riding about on skateboards, smoking cigarettes, and kicking me out of Hot Topic.
If I want really scary teens, I think I'll be turning to a new animated series debuting on Saturday, July 19, at 9 pm on the Cartoon Network, horrifyingly entitled Teen Titans. Based on the comic book from the '60s (and revived in the '80s), the Titans are like "Justice League of America Babies," composed primarily of superhero sidekicks who fight crime even though they're still wet behind the ears.
This version of the Titans features five pubescent heroes: Robin the Boy Wonder, the shape-shifting Beast Boy, Starfire (who shoots green starbolts from her palms), the half-robotic Cyborg, and the creepy Raven (who is kind of like the Ally Sheedy character in The Breakfast Club). And get this! They all live together in a high-rise hideout--TOTALLY UNSUPERVISED! They argue, get depressed, play video games, have strange itchy feelings in their underpants region, and when they get bored with that... they kick people's asses! It's horrifying!
The way I see it, if this show doesn't cure my totally reasonable fear of teens, nothing will. And then it will be ME walking into the Hot Topic telling those hormone-ridden punks to "AMSCRAY!" (Whatever that means, yo.)
