I Love Television

I give a lot of advice—and it's in your best interest to TAKE IT! For example: Tricking people into sleeping with you. Perhaps you believe you don't need to "trick people" into sexual relationships, and that your looks and sparkling personality will get the job done. If you want to believe this self-deception, that is your right. Me? I'M USING ALMOST ANY MEANS NECESSARY—short of physical disrespect and emptying my checking account—to bag as much bootay as possible in whatever time I have left.

That's why it's a good idea to use Valentine's Day to your advantage. It's a time when emotions run high and trickery can be easily implemented. For example: Buy a box of those dumb-ass kids' valentines from the drug store. It doesn't matter what kind—Spider-Man, Strawberry Shortcake, NASCAR, SpongeBob SquareDick, who gives a frak? Write tasteful, erotic poetry on the back of each one, and then deliver them to everyone you'd like to poke. Each box contains around 30 cards, and if my erotic poetry works its usual magic, I will have tapped somewhere around 14 booties. (Individual results—and sexual-harassment lawsuits—may vary.)

HOWEVER! Lest you think of me solely as a cynical, perverted (and yet somehow strangely attractive) creep, I also send valentines to people and booties I don't necessarily plan to tap. For example...

• www.bauercount.com—If you are a fan of the awesome show 24 (Fox, Mon 9 pm), then you'll love this site, which documents every single person agent Jack Bauer has killed in the past six seasons. PLUS the object he used to kill them, AND video documentation of each kill! It's a great place to catch up with Jack's greatest "hits"—especially the one from this season where he chews the jugular out of that terrorist's neck! EWWWW! (And... yay!)

• www.tvinjapan.com—This great website brings us the weirdest TV shows from Japan! Where else are you going to see Japanese girls in bikinis trying to climb a greased pole? Where else will you see chimpanzees delivering the news? And where else will you see giant robots destroying cities or demonstrating aerobics? I heart you, TV in Japan!

• The Sarah Silverman Program (Comedy Central, Thurs 10:30 pm)—You've seen her stand-up act, you've seen her in Jesus Is Magic... now see America's favorite potty-mouthed Jewess in her brand-new sitcom! TSSP goes for the same naturalistic tone as Curb Your Enthusiasm—except occasionally Sarah will break out in song, critique her sister's genitalia, or have sex with God. It's dirty, nasty, and very funny—and if she wasn't dating porky talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel, I would send her an entire box of erotic drug-store valentines. (Hmmm... maybe I can trick her into thinking I'm Jimmy Kimmel?)

This Week On TV

Thursday, February 8