I Love Television
The Hobbit—As Told by Someone Who's Never Read the Book
There's nothing good on TV this week—other than the usual awesome stuff! So that's why I'm going to spend this column recounting the story of The Hobbit—a book I've never read and know nothing about. Everybody's super-excited about the upcoming Hobbit movie... especially the Denny's chain of restaurants, which inexplicably created an entire Hobbit menu. I ate there the other day, and—well, shit yeah, I'm gonna eat off the Hobbit menu!! Even though I haven't read the book, I figured I'd just read the menu and learn everything I needed to know. (The "Gandalf Gobbler" was delicious, BTW—even if it was a sandwich instead of a wizard with an enthusiastic appreciation for oral sex.)
Anyway, now that I've educated myself, here's my plot synopsis of the book, based on everything I learned from the Denny's menu. Enjoy!
The Hobbit, by R. R. Trollken (based on the animated cartoon He-Man and the Masters of the Universe):
Long, long ago, before electricity and the internet, there were short, stubby people who lived in a place called "Middle Earth." Okay, I need to stop and call "bullshit" on this. How can it be in the middle of the earth and you can still see the sun shining? God, this book is so stupid already!
Anyway, these short people were called "midgets"—but they considered the name offensive, so it was changed to "hobbits." Terrible with their hands, the hobbits were forced to live in "hobbit holes" (according to the Denny's menu) deep underground. (Underground? What do they call that then? "Middle Middle Earth"? Sheesh.) These hobbits were also extremely hairy—so much so that they would actually eat the hair off their feet for sustenance. (Denny's wasn't invented yet.)
So one day, a sexy wizard named Gandalf Gobbler visits the "Shire" yelling, "All right, who wants some oral sexing??" Suddenly, his magic ring falls off! And the evil Skeletor swoops down on his flying dinosaur and steals the ring! Gandalf Gobbler TOTALLY FREAKS OUT, and he sends a couple of hobbits named Bilbo Berry Shake and Frodo Pot Roast Skillet (thanks again, Denny's) on a quest to retrieve it. During their journey, they meet Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies (didn't eat that, but sounds delicious) as well as a beautiful princess (She-Ra, Princess of Power), a brave knight (Zamfir, master of the pan flute), and a grotesque little green creature that calls the ring "Precious" (Yoda).
Danger is around every corner! In one adventure, they meet a forest of apple-throwing trees and an army of flying monkeys! (Wait... that's The Wizard of Oz.) Then they fight government agents who are trying to kidnap their alien friend, so they escape on bicycle... no, that's E.T. Anyway! They eventually reach Skeletor's mountain, where the evil villain cackles wildly and taunts them with the ring—but he decides that Denny's Ring Burger (three onion rings topping a pepper jack bacon cheeseburger) sounds freaking delicious, so they all go there instead. Gandalf Gobbler gets his ring back and treats everybody to anything of their choice on the Denny's menu while administering enthusiastic oral sex beneath the table.
The end. (Sorry if I spoiled it for you.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28
8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
Charlie Brown learns the true meaning of Christmas after being crucified for buying a crappy tree.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Sister Mary Eunice senses an evil presence… ummm… more evil than her? SHE’S SATAN!!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29
8:00 NBC 30 ROCK
Liz and Criss decide to go into full-humping-baby-making mode.
9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Tom gets help from the office to set up his “Rent-a-Swag” business—even though they are the least swaggy people in the world.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30
9:00 TRU KILLER KARAOKE
Contestants try to sing songs while sticking their hands into live rattlesnake cages. This is a good idea for a show.
10:00 E! FASHION POLICE
It’s the 100th episode of this delightfully bitchy fashion critique show hosted by Joan Rivers!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1
8:00 NBC IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE—Movie
(1946) Or it would be, if actual life ended like it does in this totally unrealistic movie. BOOO!!! I HATE EVERYTHING!!!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
An accident puts Blondie McGunnerson in charge of Woodbury. Seriously? They couldn’t find anyone else?
9:00 HBO BOARDWALK EMPIRE
Season finale! Nucky has a plan to reclaim power in Atlantic City—and yup, blood will be spilled.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 3
9:00 A&E HOARDERS
Tonight, a woman who keeps dead cats in her fridge. There is nothing weird about that at all.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4
8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSE REINDEER
A glowing-nosed mutant reindeer forms a superteam (including a gay dentist).
9:00 ABC HAPPY ENDINGS
Penny’s romantic date is stymied when she has to wear a rubber concussion helmet. Mmmm… sexy.
Gobble me up on Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey