For the 10,000th time in a row, Barbara Walters has revealed most of the winners on her "10 Most Fascinating People of the Year" list (watch her ABC special on Wed Dec 12, 9:30 pm), and SURPRISE! Once again, I am not anywhere near it. In fact, I am so far away from her top 10, I'm beginning to think it has a restraining order against me (which would be my fifth of 2012, if I'm not mistaken). And ONCE AGAIN, most of the people who made the list are totally... okay, mostly... okay maybe just a teensy bit undeserving. Like that "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton" person. She's okay, I guess. And Ben Affleck! Undeserving, though totally DREAMY! And Olympic gold medalist Gabby Douglas—I could totally get a bunch of gold medals, too, if I'd spent my entire life training to do something other than watch TV and bang hot pieces of tail. But do they give gold medals for that??? NO, THEY DO NOT!!
But check this poo-poo out! Besides those kind-of-okay-I-guess-if-you-like-those-sort-of-people people, Babs also included Seth MacFarlane (creator of Family Guy and not one-tenth as funny as he seems to think), boy band One Direction (in their defense, they do make my penis go one direction... UP!), New Jersey governor Chris Christie (and dowwwwwn goes the penis), Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James (who makes my penis pack its suitcase and run screaming in the opposite direction), and... wait a freakin' second... HONEY BOO BOO??
You are kidding me, right? Here I am, writing the most "fascinating" TV column ever written, and the star of TLC's Toddlers & Tiaras and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo makes 2012's "most fascinating" list instead of me? GAAAAAHHHH!
And as it turns out, Adam Levine—judge of The Voice and lead singer of less-than-tolerable band Maroon 5—agrees this is a goddamn travesty of justice. Here's what he told GQ:
"Seriously, Honey Boo Boo is the DECAY of Western civilization," he told the magazine. "That show is literally The. Worst. Thing. That's. Ever. Happened. It's complete f****g ignorance and the most despicable way to treat your kids."
Thank you, Adam, and what's more... oh, wait, he's not finished.
"F*** those people," he continued. "You can put that in the magazine: F*** those idiots. They're just the worst. Sorry, I'm so sensitive to that—like, I don't know, man, it's upsetting. Just to clarify, I said, 'F*** THOSE PEOPLE.'"
Wow. Okay, at first I was against Honey Boo Boo—but now I'm feeling I need to rush to her defense! "The. Worst. Thing. That's. Ever. Happened"? Really? You don't think that's overstating it a bit? Let's just pause for a second and see if we can think of anything that's actually worse than Honey Boo Boo. Okay, I'm ready, how about the Holocaust, Darfur, AIDS, 9/11, the smallpox epidemic, the Chernobyl disaster, slavery, Hiroshima, herpes, Carrot Top... let's just stop there before we get depressed.
In fact, thanks to Adam Levine, I'm no longer upset about Honey Boo Boo making this year's "most fascinating" list—I'm just glad HE didn't make it. Because while Maroon 5 might not be THE. WORST. THING. THAT'S. EVER. HAPPENED... they're still worse than Carrot Top.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12
8:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS: MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS
For those who are curious but afraid they might blow their own head off if they watch an entire season—here’s a Toddlers & Tiaras clip show.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
When an episode is titled “The Coat Hanger,” that’s code for “Be very afraid.”
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13
8:00 NBC UP ALL NIGHT
Reagan and Chris attempt to introduce their baby to “snow”—but a pile of Colombian blow isn’t what they had in mind.
8:00 CW THE VAMPIRE DIARIES
A Mystic Falls holiday party is ruined by demons—and a terrible white elephant gift exchange.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14
8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
A mutant reindeer is cast out of Santa’s village along with a gay dentist. THAT AIN’T RIGHT.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15
8:00 FOX COPS
Season premiere! In this “Odd Arrests” episode, the cops try to contain an angry zebra. (He’s probably on bath salts.)
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host: Martin Short. Musical guest: Paul McCartney. Primary advertiser: Metamucil.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16
9:00 SHO DEXTER
Season finale! LaGuerta plans to uncover Dexter’s identity in an episode aptly titled “Surprise, Motherfucker!”
10:00 SHO HOMELAND
Season finale! Carrie is faced with a heartbreaking decision that will give Claire Danes another opportunity to make her world-famous “cry face.”
MONDAY, DECEMBER 17
9:30 NBC 1600 PENN
Debut! A sneaky peek at the upcoming White House sitcom starring Bill Pullman and Book of Mormon’s Josh Gad.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18
8:00 ABC CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
Hide the guns and liquor for the most depressing Christmas special EVARRRR!
9:00 NBC THE VOICE
Season finale! Find out which singer wins it all and immediately disappears into oblivion.
Twitter! Worst. Thing. Ever. @WmSteveHumphrey