Naturally, I am concerned for your mental health. Let's say, for example, you were to suddenly go all "Grey Gardens" on me, spending your days in a filthy, dilapidated, urine-soaked mansion that you share with your equally insane daughter and 273 cats/raccoons. Needless to say, this turn of events would not reflect well on me! My bosses might say, "I'm sorry, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, but our recent customer survey shows that the majority of your readership eats wet cat food for dinner and rather enjoys sitting in diapers filled with excrement for extended amounts of time. You're fired." Look... I like you—but I have a cocaine and Burger King "Angry Whopper" habit to support. And just because YOU'RE nuts, there's no freaking way I'm gonna get dragged down with you!
I will admit that I'm no expert when it comes to the field of mental health. That being said, I'm pretty sure you're a schizophrenic. And bipolar. And probably a psychopath. How do I know this? Well, even though I'm not a licensed psychiatrianalyst, I can still read—and your e-mails to me would make Sigmund Freud poop a cigar. Check this one out: "Dear Humpy: I love you sooooo much that I want to slash open your stomach and kiss your pancreas." Say WHAAAAA? Or how about this one? "MAY THE HOLY BLOOD OF CHRIST FILL YOUR LUNGS AND BURN YOUR LIPS LIKE THE BITTER SEED OF SATAN!!!" (I'm pretty sure that last one was sent from my mom's Gmail account.)
In short, you're bonkers. And since you're too proud, poor, or disinterested to seek the therapy you so desperately need, I feel it's my duty to point you in the direction of two helpful TV shows about mental illness that are debuting this week—which I would recommend you watch before you slit open my tummy and lick my pancreas. You're welcome?
• Obsessed (A&E, Mon May 25, 10 pm). This new show is from the same people who produce the wildly depressing Intervention (or as it's also known, The Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me Story). Obsessed explores the lives and treatment of real people with debilitating obsessive disorders—which includes OCD, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, or any number of phobias. So for example, an entire episode might be devoted to how obsessed you are with me or my ex-wife's totally irrational phobia of my penis.
• Mental (FOX, Tues May 26, 9 pm). Wanna know what's wrong with the mental-health industry? OH! I'll tell you what's wrong with the mental-health industry! We don't have enough sexy psychiatrists who use new and often-bizarre methods to treat their patients—and the ones we do have are all on TV. In Mental, Dr. Jack Gallagher is the new director of mental-health services at an L.A. hospital who (a) uses radical techniques to get inside the heads of his patients, (b) argues constantly with his staff over what he considers old-fashioned and cruel treatment, and (c) has a wicked-hot upper torso that he flaunts on a regular basis. Rrrowrr-rrrrrrowrr! Consider my heterosexuality "cured"!
Now leave my pancreas alone, please. 
THURSDAY, MAY 21
8:00 ABC UGLY BETTY
Season finale! Tonight's guest stars are Billie Jean King, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Rachel Maddow. WOW.
8:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
Season premiere! It's the American Idol of jiggling floozies and men with physical Tourette's.
11:00 VH1 FREE RADIO
Season finale! Lance thinks the charity boxing event is all fun and games—until he insults Sugar Ray Leonard.
FRIDAY, MAY 22
8:30 TOON BATMAN: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD
Batman reteams with an older Robin who now thinks his former mentor is from straight-up "Squaresville, daddy-o!"
SATURDAY, MAY 23
9:00 ANI GROOMER HAS IT
The groomers are challenged to give makeovers to pot-bellied pigs. (The winner doesn't get swine flu.)
SUNDAY, MAY 24
9:00 ABC DIAMONDS
A two-part sprawling TV movie that's like Traffic, except with diamond mining.
9:00 SHO THE TUDORS
Season finale! Henry up and decides his latest fling, Anne of Cleves, is too unattractive to keep her head.
MONDAY, MAY 25
9:00 TLC JON & KATE PLUS 8
Season premiere! The couple discusses Jon's recent infidelity, and Kate finds new ways to nag him.
10:00 A&E OBSESSED
Debut! Tonight: obsessive-compulsive disorders. (Is this why you're trying to touch my booty all the time?)
TUESDAY, MAY 26
8:00 CW REAPER
Series finale! Sam tries to win back his soul from the devil by challenging him to a game of lawn darts.
9:00 CW HITCHED OR DITCHED
Debut! Longtime couples have a week to get married or break up. (Is this why Christians are working so hard to protect straight marriage?)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 27
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
Season premiere! Yay! Another season of ass-busting, spinal-cord-severing fun!
9:00 ABC THE GOODE FAMILY
Debut! A new cartoon about an overly politically correct family. Yeah, people who are trying to save the earth are so stupid!
Had your Xanax refilled lately?
