It's come to my attention that many of you are concerned about "gun control"—and I'm here to say, "Don't worry, people! I've got this one!" That's right, everybody calm the eff down, because I've got it all figured out, and pretty soon there won't even be a problem. See, here's the thing about guns:
Guns have two main functions: (1) To murder things, and (2) to make the person holding the gun feel less like a chickenshit. For example, hunters love to murder animals—they're just too scared to do it with their own hands. In their defense, there's a very good reason hunters don't sneak up on 10-point bucks and try to strangle them with piano wire. It's because they're afraid the deer will get mad at them and retaliate by perforating the hunter's anus with an antler. So to conquer this fear, of course they have to use guns to kill animals from great distances (preferably while hiding behind things) because BRRRR! Angry deer! Amirite?
However, there are also those who are afraid of more than just deer—in fact, they're afraid of everything! So naturally, these people need an even bigger assault weapon. And the more scared they are, the more guns they need. Even if they live waaaaaay out in the country where the most heinous crime ever committed is drunk Uncle Jed driving his riding lawn mower down the highway to the liquor store—these people probably have a very good reason to be petrified of life (don't ask me what it is) and desperately need protection that only a Bushmaster AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle with a 100 mag clip can provide!
Me? I don't own a gun, and here's why: The only thing I'm scared of is ex–Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #2—and besides, the gun hasn't been made that could stop her from nagging me to death. However! I totally understand the overwhelming insecurity of gun owners (and similarly, 4x4 truck drivers), and I'm here to help!
The problem is there aren't enough TV shows depicting gun owners who honestly have nothing to be afraid of. For example, in shows like Justified, 24, or CSI, the protagonists need guns because they're frightened of frightened gun-wielding criminals who also think they need guns to defend themselves from frightened cops! That's why I'm developing some new shows where the main character carries a gun—but decides to eventually get rid of it. Because... seriously guys... people want to kill me WAAAY more than they want to kill you. And I'm not worried about it—so lose the gun and chill out.
• Here Comes Honey Boom Boom!: The pint-sized hillbilly beauty-pageant contestant is awarded a gun in the Lil' Miss Assault Weapon Pageant—but gets rid of it after realizing she's much scarier than any firearm.
• The Golden Guns: Four longtime friends move into a retirement home/indoor shooting range. However, the thought of a bunch of shaky old people with guns freaks them out, and they move somewhere else.
• Bambi, the Anus-Perforating 10-Point Buck: Fearing hunters, Bambi carries a concealed firearm... until he realizes, "Waitasecond, I can just perforate their anuses with my antlers. WHAT AM I SCARED OF??"
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY: ASYLUM
Season finale! Lana attempts to shut down Briarcliff, with absolutely no help from Bloody Face!
10:30 COM KROLL SHOW
A plastic surgeon for animals gets his own reality show. I would watch the shit out of this.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 24
8:30 NBC PARKS & RECREATION
Leslie pushes to get women more involved in government, resulting in her collecting garbage.
9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY
Season premiere! Sixteen more designers arrive to snip away at each other’s self-esteem.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 25
9:00 PBS SHAKESPEARE UNCOVERED
Debut! Actor Ethan Hawke (remember him?) prepares for his role as Macbeth by refusing to get his teeth fixed.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 26
8:00 NBC FIGURE SKATING CHAMPIONSHIPS
Because… sequins! And they might fall down.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host: Maroon 5’s Adam Levine—who can’t act his way out of his underpants.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 27
9:00 PBS DOWNTON ABBEY
Matthew has a quibble regarding the stewardship of the estate, wot ho, pip-pip, tuppence for the birds.
9:00 HBO GIRLS
Hannah hires the junkie from downstairs to help her with an assignment. Good luck with that!
MONDAY, JANUARY 28
9:00 LOGO RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE
The triumphant fifth season return of the most faaaabulous reality show ever! Now with Seattle’s own Jinkx Monsoon!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 29
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
While Nick and Schmidt fight over the same girl, Jess plays the greatest drinking game ever, “True American.”
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Raylan faces off with his girlfriend’s ex—a bare-knuckled boxer! EEEE!!! Shoot him with your gun!!!
Lock and load me on Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey