Let's talk about my brain for a minute. You know... how advanced it is. To help you understand the advance-iness of my brain, let's use the most fanciest, most expensive crystal goblet in the world as a metaphor. Would you fill the most fanciest, most expensive goblet in the world with a daiquiri made out of motor oil, used Band-Aids, battery acid, toenail clippings, Cool Ranch Doritos, and donkey sperm? No, of course not—you'd be called a goblet murderer.
WELL, AH-HAH! I'VE LURED YOU INTO MY INSIDIOUS LOGIC TRAP! Because, just as you would not ruin the world's most precious goblet with such a foul concoction, neither would you fill the world's most precious brain with confusing television shows!
After decades of producing mindless gibberish—shows such as The Nanny, Mad About You, Home Improvement, The Bachelor, Grey's Anatomy, and any number of CSI, NCIS, and Law & Order spin-offs leap to mind—TV is now flipping the script and producing shows designed to make you "think." Unfortunately, after years of turning our brains to mush, we've actually lost the capability of cognitive thought! So what the networks want us to say is this: "By the shimmering sword of Perseus! This refreshingly edifying episode of Fringe is the mental equivalent of a soapy handjob from Helen of Troy (whose face and soapy handjobs launched a thousand ships)." However—thanks to our now mushy brainpans—what we're really saying is this: "Durrrrrr... me not understand. Why am lady in show wear pants? (Drrroooool)."
That's not good TV, people! That's premeditated brain murder—and it could easily happen TO YOU. For example, check out these two new shows debuting this week that have every intention of murdering the shit out of your BRAIN.
• Zero Hour (ABC, debuts Thurs Feb 14, 8 pm): Anthony Edwards—yes, from E.R., but more importantly "Goose" from Top Gun—plays a professional debunker whose wife is kidnapped after purchasing a mysterious old clock. Turns out this clock is the centerpiece in a super-complicated ages-old conspiracy involving priests, Nazis, world destruction, demon babies, and more confusing twists and turns than Indiana Jones trying to read The Da Vinci Code upside down and backward! ACCCK! HELLLP! THIS SHOW IS TRYING TO GARROTE MY BRAIN!!
• Cult (CW, debuts Tues Feb 19, 9 pm): Okay, bear with me on this one. Cult is a "popular" CW show about a charismatic cult leader who leaves clues about who his followers will murder next. HOWEVER, this show is actually a show within a show, and the show you're watching is also on the CW and is also named Cult, and is all about hordes of doting fans watching the "popular" CW show Cult (the show you're watching other people watch)! Now the show you're watching (the "unpopular" one?) involves hunky Vampire Diaries star Matt Davis who is trying to find his missing brother who may or may not have disappeared into the show within the show (the "popular" one, I think), and—KA-BOOOOM!!! Goddamnit. Which one of you stinking brain murderers blew up my brain?!? And don't think for a second that I'm cleaning this mess up!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Guys! This show is fantastic, and you should be watching it if you aren’t already. WATCH THIS SHOW.
10:00 TLC MY STRANGE ADDICTION
Season premiere! Tonight, people who are addicted to coffee enemas and licking cats. OKAY!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
The gang is trapped in Pierce’s haunted mansion. (I bet the ghosts are racist a-holes, too!)
10:00 AMC IMMORTALIZED
Debut! A new reality show about taxidermy—because that’s the only reality show idea left?
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15
8:00 SHO THE HISTORY OF THE EAGLES
A documentary about the classic rock band. Wake your dad! He’s asleep in the La-Z-Boy.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Musical guests: Alabama Shakes. Host: Django Unchained’s Christoph Waltz!
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17
9:00 PBS DOWNTON ABBEY
Season finale! The family vacations at a fancy Scottish hunting lodge, as opposed to you, who sits alone in the backyard drinking beer.
9:00 HBO GIRLS
Hannah gets an e-book deal—which is just slightly better than a Burger King deal.
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
After restoring order to Woodbury, the one-eyed Governor plots his one-eyed revenge!
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18
11:00 SHO INSIDE COMEDY
This week’s guests: the incredibly funny/successful Judd Apatow and Tina Fey!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 19
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Schmidt searches for a parking place while Winston searches for a condom. Help each other out, guys!
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Raylan encounters an old enemy—one who poses a serious threat to his tight pants.
This is my brain on Twitter. @WmSteveHumphrey