Professional dreamboat Justin Timberlake will be hosting AND singing on this weekend's Saturday Night Live (NBC, Sat March 9, 11:30 pm), so you may now commence squee-ing. SQUEEEEEEEEE!! However! Don't you dare forget that I've loved Justin Timberlake FARRRRR longer than anyone. What follows is a brief history of Justin Timberlake, as told by someone who's loved him FARRRR longer than you—which is ME.
1981—Justin Randall Timberlake (did you know his middle name is Randall? I do) is born. Admittedly, I'm too busy trying to make my hair look like that guy in A Flock of Seagulls to notice.
1993—For the next 11 years, Justin Timberlake does nothing of interest... UNTIL! He appears on the talent competition Star Search (dressed in an idiotic cowboy outfit) and later joins the cast of The Mickey Mouse Club along with Britney Spears (SQUEE!), Christina Aguilera (SQUEE!), soon-to-be-bandmate JC Chasez (squee), and the future's most desirable man, Ryan Gosling (SQUEE! SQUEE! SQUEEEEEEE!!).
1995—Justin Timberlake frosts the tips of his hair, and—along with JC Chasez, Chris Kirkpatrick, Joey Fatone, and Lance Bass—forms the greatest band to ever make the Beatles look like a tub of crap, *NSYNC. In response, I freak the fawk OUT, and my eternal love for JT—that began soooo long before yours—is sealed.
1999—Justin Timberlake begins dating Britney Spears—which I tell him (via numerous and lengthy handwritten letters) is a terrible idea. I also explain he's far too good for *NSYNC and he should begin a solo career that might also include acting, which could eventually lead to a possible nude scene with Mila Kunis. He ignores my advice.
2002—Justin finally takes my advice! While a nude scene may still be years away, JT quits both *NSYNC and Britney Spears and records his solo album, Justified (featuring the hit "Cry Me a River")—which I correctly realize is AH-MAY-ZING, even though you don't seem to care very much. (I'm confident you will eventually come around to the truth.)
2003—Justin begins dating Cameron Diaz. Not my idea.
2004—Justin exposes Janet Jackson's booby at the Super Bowl. Not my idea.
2006—Justin releases FutureSex/ LoveSounds (featuring the hit "SexyBack"), and you finally realize that you are in love with him. Welcome to the party, snoozers! (He also finally breaks up with Cameron Diaz. Buenas noches, Diaz!)
2007–2012 (aka "the dark ages")—Justin stops making music and concentrates on an acting career that's mostly disappointing except for The Social Network and Friends with Benefits (featuring [I told him so!] Mila Kunis and his naked bottom). He dates, breaks up with, and then inexplicably marries Jessica Biel, who is unmemorable in every conceivable way other than resembling a bar of soap. (These are indeed dark times.)
2013—And now? Seemingly out of nowhere? Justin finally returns to the limelight with his newest album, The 20/20 Experience, due out on March 19! SQUEEEEEE!! He's still happily married to Jessica Biel, however. Squee.
2014—Justin's fame continues to rocket skyward—but more importantly, YOU finally realize that you were late to the game, and it was ME who was the true Justin Timberlake fan all along. No big deal, though—I'm through with Justin, anyway, and dumping him for Ryan Gosling! SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 6
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
The Rooskies are on to Sam’s embassy mole—with whom he may be falling in love!
10:30 COM KROLL SHOW
Season finale! Liz and Liz (of the reality show PubLIZity) bicker, and Bobby Bottleservice starts a new biz!
THURSDAY, MARCH 7
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
The gang plots their escape from Shirley’s boring dinner party—and, if they’re smart, from this series.
9:30 FOX GLEE
The cast celebrates their 500th musical number—or as I know it, the 500th nail driven into my brain.
FRIDAY, MARCH 8
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Spring premiere! Nick is called in to investigate his own crime, which is… ummm… awkward?
SATURDAY, MARCH 9
9:00 SYFY FLYING MONKEYS—Movie
(2013) Syfy’s description of this movie and a direct quote: “A teenage girl’s pet monkey turns out to be an evil shape-shifter. Oh snap!”
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Justin Timberlake. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
SUNDAY, MARCH 10
9:00 HBO GIRLS
The deadline for Hannah’s e-book is stressing her out, even though it’s only a stupid e-book.
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Rick and the Governor consider a peace treaty. (Dear Rick: POKE OUT HIS OTHER EYE!!!)
MONDAY, MARCH 11
8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR
Season finale! Sean must choose between the final two bachelorettes—and then announce that HE’S GAY! (I wish.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 12
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
The slippery Drew Thompson’s on the run from Raylan, Boyd, AND the Detroit mob.
10:00 LIF PREACHERS’ DAUGHTERS
Debut! A reality show about three teens, their pastor fathers, and, of course, SATAAAAAN!
2011—My first tweet about JT. @WmSteveHumphrey