Do you like to smoke marijuana? I DON'T! Now, don't get me wrong... I'm totally fine with YOU smoking marijuana—as long as you don't speak to me directly, operate circular saws, or try to give me directions—but marijuana affects me in various unfortunate ways. For example, after smoking dope I may temporarily lose my hearing. Or my right leg might go completely numb. Or my left eye could suddenly seal shut. On the other hand, I may feel fantastically happy for a few hours—but if you were me, would you take the risk? That's why I'm happy to stick with guzzling numerous jugs of moonshine liquor, thankyouverymuch.
But do you know who also doesn't like pot? POT COPS! Apparently, they absolutely hate marijuana pot ganja cigarettes, and they prove it by murdering all the weed they can on the new Discovery Channel show Pot Cops (debuting Wed April 3, 10 pm).
According to the Pot Cops press release, deep in the forests of Humboldt County, California, are some of the largest illegal wacky weed operations in the nation—and it's the Pot Cops' job to bust the perpetrators and kick marijuana's ass! HOWEVER! The press release goes on to say that besides being infested with "average Joe" growers, "the countryside is overrun with armed Mexican drug cartels that use violence to protect their valuable crops."
Now this "Mexican cartel" angle would make for a wicked exciting series—if it wasn't a pile of BULL... PLOP! Tommy Lanier (director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy's National Marijuana Initiative) was recently interviewed by the Los Angeles Times, and he voiced serious doubts about so-called drug cartels in the area.
"Based on our intelligence," Lanier said, "we haven't been able to connect anyone to a major cartel." The article goes on to say that Lanier admits "the narrative of fighting drug cartels helps them secure federal funding."
Of course, from Discovery Channel's perspective, this lie makes for more exciting television—after all, the perceived threat of "gunfire, booby traps, and cartel activity" (as stated in their press release) is far more thrilling than the reality of what these "Pot Cops" actually do: busting random hippies growing weed to support their families.
Sure, these types of reality shows lie all the time. But unfortunately, there's a disturbing racist subtext to this particular "Mexican cartel" fabrication.
The legend of these so-called Humboldt County Mexican cartels apparently sprang from a single tiny incident: According to the SF Weekly, the story originated when workers escaping a drug bust in a marijuana field left behind a key piece of evidence: a tortilla wrapper. The DEA didn't need Sherlock Holmes to crack this case! Obviously, tortilla wrappers = brown people = MEXICAN CARTEL = case closed! And so the legend grew, and today it's a whopper of a lie the Discovery Channel (whose stated mission is supposedly education) seems all too happy to perpetuate.
So go ahead and watch Pot Cops—especially if you're high. Maybe marijuana will help make the premise a bit more believable.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3
9:30 ABC HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS
Debut! Sarah Chalke stars as a single mom moving in with her parents. Expect mediocre things.
10:00 TV LAND FOREVER YOUNG
Debut! Like The Real World—except with an even mix of young and old people. Stay out of my Werther’s!!
THURSDAY, APRIL 4
8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie and Ben visit his hometown—which is impossibly stranger than Pawnee.
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Debut! Bryan Fuller’s retelling of the Silence of the Lambs villain. Watch it with some liver and fava beans!
FRIDAY, APRIL 5
11:00 HBO VICE
Debut! The gonzo journalists of Vice explore different cultures and (hopefully) live to tell about it.
SATURDAY, APRIL 6
9:00 SYFY BATTLEDOGS—Movie
(2013) How do you combat a werewolf virus? With werewolf super-soldiers! (Screw YOU, antibiotics!)
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
The hilarious Melissa McCarthy returns as host. (Cue Rex Reed skit.)
SUNDAY, APRIL 7
9:00 AMC MAD MEN
Season premiere! Don wears tight-fitting shorts in Hawaii. Do you need another reason to watch?
9:00 SHO SHAMELESS
Season finale! Fiona and the gang throw a surprise party for Lip—which will most assuredly lead to several arrests.
MONDAY, APRIL 8
10:00 A&E BATES MOTEL
Norma suspects her neighbors are planning something. (Jesus, it’s NORMAN! He’s right behind you! WITH A KNIFE!!)
TUESDAY, APRIL 9
8:30 FOX NEW GIRL
Cece’s bachelorette party is marred by every single person in attendance—but especially Schmidt.
9:00 NBC READY FOR LOVE
Debut! Three bachelors compete for the affections of 12 women. (Those are terrible odds for everyone involved.)
Puff, puff, tweet. @WmSteveHumphrey