Jean-Paul Sartre famously once wrote, "Hell is other people." I famously disagree, Jean-Paul Sartre! Rather, I think hell is CERTAIN people. For example: people who quote Jean-Paul Sartre in their opening sentences. People who don't flush their poop in public restrooms. (Seriously, what is up with that?) People who defend Chris Brown on Twitter. People who own guns, watch football, tell horrible misogynist/gay jokes, and claim that my beliefs are CRAZY. People who buy "comedy" pets (such as pugs and corgis). People who insist I need to get on Facebook (I'm doing just fine without it, thankyouverymuch). People who don't let you merge into their lane when you're exiting an off-ramp—because apparently they don't know it's the GODDAMN LAW. People who shop at Walmart and/or J. Crew. People who insist on having babies—even though they're clearly the same terrible people I just mentioned above.
I'm sure there are others. But even though I tend to gripe my ass off about these people, I still heartily contend that most people are cool people—like you! So, Mr. Jean-Paul Sartre, I would like you to amend your statement to the following: "Hell is certain people—in particular the people that Wm.™ Steven Humpy doesn't like—as well as a few new TV shows that are debuting this week." What TV shows, you ask? These TV shows, I say!
Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life (MTV, debuts Tues April 23, 11 pm): You guys know about Ke$ha, right? The pop star who pronounces her name as either "Keh-sha" or "Keh-dollar-sign-HA!" and writes all those party-time songs about getting drunk, taking ecstasy, dancing all night, and rubbing genitals together until they're soupy. This documentary series follows Ke$ha around as she prepares for concerts, parties with friends, gets sad, gets happy, fellates a cannoli, burps a lot, drinks her own urine, and describes having sex with a ghost. In other words—HELL ON WHEELS.
Guntucky (CMT, debuts Sun April 21, 9:30 pm): Guns, hillbillies, Kentucky—no, it's not the new season of American Horror Story! Guntucky is a reality show about three generations of Kentuckians who run a gun range, aaaaand... they shoot shit up. Apparently, CMT postponed the Guntucky premiere due to the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre—which was not a bad idea, since the gun lovers in Guntucky really love MACHINE GUNS, and even sponsor an annual "Machine Gun Shoot" where they fire automatic weapons into appliances, piles of tires, and drums filled with explosive diesel fuel. Oh, by the way, Satan just called and said, "Christ, these guys scare the shit out of me."
Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (Adult Swim, debuts Thurs April 19, midnight): Finally, a hell I wouldn't mind visiting! This live-action sitcom revolves around an associate demon named Gary who's trying to climb the corporate ladder in hell by capturing as many human souls as possible. Complicating matters are his own laziness, a devious, dickhead intern named Claude... and, of course, SATAAAAAAAN! (In other words, it's a lot like your workplace. Hey, Jean-Paul Sartre! Hell is other coworkers, too! Especially ones who don't refill the coffeepot.)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 17
8:00 ABC SUBURGATORY
Season finale! The town puts on a “Chastity Ball”—which actually sounds really dirty, doesn’t it?
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Elizabeth wants a separation from Philip AND his help on a dangerous mission? Can’t have it both ways, toots!
THURSDAY, APRIL 18
9:00 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
In these special back-to-back episodes, Jerry’s retiring. Who’s Jerry? Oh… that guy we HATE? He’s the worst.
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Will and Hannibal visit a bedridden woman who looks delicious—that is, to eat.
FRIDAY, APRIL 19
11:00 HBO VICE
The Vice team documents the ease with which some people can get guns—and the families that get killed by them.
SATURDAY, APRIL 20
8:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
The Doctor investigates a ghost known as the “Witch in the Well.” A ghost AND a witch? Impressive.
SUNDAY, APRIL 21
10:00 PBS THE BLETCHLEY CIRCLE
Debut! A very British mystery where former British code-crackers solve a very British murder! British!
10:00 E! WHAT WOULD RYAN LOCHTE DO?
Debut! Former Olympic swimming champ Lochte gets his own terrible reality show. (Maybe he’ll take off his shirt?)
MONDAY, APRIL 22
9:00 SYFY DEFIANCE
Nolan and Irisa find themselves in between two warring clans—neither of whom prefer bathing.
9:00 SUN RECTIFY
Debut! An accused rapist is released from prison and moves back into the community. Awwwkward!
TUESDAY, APRIL 23
10:30 MTV GIRL CODE
Debut! Funny gals discuss the dos and don’ts of life and relationships. (Men beware.)
11:00 MTV KE$HA: MY CRAZY BEAUTIFUL LIFE
Debut! In the first episode, Ke$ha has sex with a ghost and makes a salad for dinner.
Tweeting to hell and back. @WmSteveHumphrey