Hey readers! I'm going on vacation this week—and all I'm taking is my computer and the best dirty-cop show of all time, The Shield! Currently you can stream seasons one and two (with the rest of the series to follow) for free at Crackle.com—and to remind you of how awesome this show was, here's a vintage I Love Television™ from 2005! See ya next week! —Luv, Humpy

In my continuing effort to create a "disconnect" between myself and I Love Television™ readers, let me just say this: I LOVE COPS. Now, I know a lot of my readers like to pooh-pooh cops (especially those who have received tickets for speeding, drunkenness, or excessive coke tooting)—but when a cranky One Tree Hill fan on meth comes charging into my office swinging a machete? I welcome an appearance from the boys in blue.

However, cops never seem to understand why some people don't trust them. Well, let me clear up that confusion for any cops in the audience: YOU'RE WEARING A GUN, DUMBASS! And you're allowed to use it, sooooooo... it kind of puts us regular people at a disadvantage, don'tcha think? You know, in England the cops don't carry guns—and people seem to get by okay. However, their cops are also called "bobbies"... so I can see why a meth-addicted, machete-swinging One Tree Hill fan may not take them very seriously.

BUT I DIGRESS! Besides hating me for loving cops, my readers also hate me for loving BAD cops. Now, I'm not talking about the cops who pepper-spray hippies in the face. (Even though pepper spray is the closest thing to a bath some of these hippies have seen in years.) I'm talking about the morally questionable cops and the battle between good and evil that rages inside them. That's the stuff that gives me an itty-bitty bad-cop boner!

This is why I'm absolutely loving the best dirty-cop show of all time, The Shield. Starring bald-headed bulldog Michael Chiklis, The Shield is a thinly veiled indictment/love letter to the problem-riddled LA police bureau. Chiklis stars as Vic Mackey, the leader of a largely unsupervised "strike team," who uses unconventional (and sometimes criminal) methods to bust the baddies. While successful, these same methods cause a moral strain that lures Mackey and his team (which includes the terrific Walton Goggins from Justified... SQUEEEEE!) to the dark side of drugs, money, and even... MURRRRDER.

Meanwhile, Mackey's strike-team members are doing their damnedest to rationalize away their actions, which include lying, cheating, and killing, all in the name of "protecting the public good." In episode after episode, the team walks a delicate line between upholding the law and having its shenanigans uncovered by Internal Affairs—or worse, violent crime lords who love cutting off their enemies' dangly bits.

But here's the most interesting part: Even the supposedly "good" cops in the unit are complicated characters with dark streaks a mile wide. It's like Hill Street Blues—covered in Bad Lieutenant frosting.

So grab all seven seasons of The Shield on DVD if you've got some catching up to do (or better yet, watch it with me for free online at Crackle.com). I'll be the one squirting pepper spray in my eyes and hitting myself in the Scrabble bag with a nightstick.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24

8:00 CW ARROW
Deadshot returns, and the gang finds their homes have been broken into. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
An agent dangles key intel in front of Elizabeth and Philip. Is it a trap? I THINK SO!

THURSDAY, APRIL 25

8:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY
Season finale! The final three contestants are ordered to design a gown out of “dreams and air.” Screw you, Runway!!
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Hannibal takes a break from Will so he can get caught up on his eye gouging and intestine cooking.

FRIDAY, APRIL 26

8:30 ABC HAPPY ENDINGS
Season finale! Alex and Dave have a happy announcement, while Penny and Pete swirl down the toilet.

SATURDAY, APRIL 27

9:00 SYFY STONADOS—Movie
(2013) Boston is under attack from “Stonados”—those are tornadoes made out of stones. Sigh. :(
10:30 OWN LIFE WITH LA TOYA
The human version of “Stonados” (La Toya Jackson) gets her own reality show.

SUNDAY, APRIL 28

10:00 HBO VEEP
As a hostage crisis heats up, Selina doesn’t make things easier by calling the Secretary of Defense a “piss bag.”
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Don handles a problem at work with drinking and sleeping around. You know… THE YOUZH.

MONDAY, APRIL 29

9:00 FOX THE FOLLOWING
Season finale! After nearly being killed by the followers, Weston returns for a final showdown. Bring your straitjackets!

TUESDAY, APRIL 30

10:30 COM INSIDE AMY SCHUMER
Debut! Hilarious comedian Amy Schumer gets her own show, featuring sketches, standup, and filthy interviews!
11:00 MTV KE$HA: MY CRAZY BEAUTIFUL LIFE
Tonight Ke$ha drinks a glass of her friend’s urine and picks up her dry cleaning.

Tweet in the name of the law! @WmSteveHumphrey