In last week's column, I implored you to "just stop." "Just stop what?" you ask. Just stop EVERYTHING! Just stop doing all those annoying things you keep doing! "What annoying things?" you ask. THE ANNOYING THINGS I TOLD YOU ABOUT LAST WEEK! GAAAAHD! I'M SICK OF SPOON-FEEDING YOU! IF YOU WANT TO KNOW, LOOK IT UP YOUR OWN DAMN SELF!! Sheesh.
Anyway, I've been watching you this week, and it's come to my attention that you haven't stopped—in fact, the only thing you have stopped is the actual stopping. In other words, the things you're supposed to stop are not stopping at all!
But hey—maybe you're mad at me for not stopping the things I was supposed to stop. And in the interest of getting you to stop the things you should've already stopped, I promise to start stopping the following things, which I swear I will stop:
(1) I will stop writing "stop" in every sentence. (2) I will stop saying, "Who wants some baby gravy?" every time I want to have sex with you. (3) I will stop using the word "moist" or "moistness" every time I have sex with you. (4) I will stop borrowing money from you that I say is for "treating a mysterious and embarrassing medical situation I don't want to talk about" and then spending that money on cocaine. (5) I will stop laughing at the Bluetooth device in your ear, even though you look like the biggest, stupidest dork ever. (6) I will stop not drinking so much. (See what I did there?) (7) I will stop ceaselessly promoting Hormel chili and Totino's pizza rolls in this column, which is my sad and failed attempt to acquire sponsorship—even though they are both the most delicious products EVARRRRRR!!!
(8) And I will stop telling the season finales of shows to stop—because, after all, they are already stopping, so me reminding them to do so is redundant. SO! The following season finales debuting this week are no longer required to... STOP!
• The Office (NBC, Thurs May 16, 8 pm): While it certainly wasn't my idea, The Office is stopping for good with this hour-and-15-minute episode, wherein the Dunder Mifflin gang reunites for a wedding (perhaps betwixt Dwight and Angela? HMMMMMM?). Expect visits from Mindy Kaling, B. J. Novak, Joan Cusack, and, yes, Steve Carell—who said he wasn't returning to the show, but apparently just... can't... stop.
• Scandal (ABC, Thurs May 16, 10 pm): Guys. I know I've been telling everyone and everything to stop—but I WISH THIS SHOW WOULD NEVER STOP. If you haven't watched Shonda Rhimes's (Grey's Anatomy) absolutely insane version of The West Wing, please check out this season finale. It's like how the government would operate if they were hopped up on cough syrup, crystal meth, and Cap'n Crunch. Seriously, it's SOOOO terrible. And thusly? SOOO, SOOOO GOOOOOD.
• Arrow (CW, Wed May 15, 8 pm): The first season of this nerd-friendly show ends with Oliver and Diggle desperately trying to get the vengeful Dark Archer to... STOP! "Stop what?" you ask. WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SPOON-FEEDING? WATCH YOUR OWN DAMN SHOW YOUR OWN DAMN SELF!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 15
8:00 CW ARROW
Season finale! On the island, Oliver tries to stop a missile from hitting an airliner. Here’s an idea: Use an arrow!
9:00 CW SUPERNATURAL
Season finale! Crowley threatens to undo all the demon-hunting work Sam and Dean have accomplished. Can we have him transferred to a different department, please?
THURSDAY, MAY 16
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Season finale! The winner is announced, while Mariah and Nicki pull each other’s extensions out.
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
The featured contestants in this episode are senior citizens, kids, and convicts. I will watch this.
FRIDAY, MAY 17
10:00 IFC MARON
Marc’s dad presents his latest “get-rich-quick” scheme, which ironically makes Marc “get-poor-even-faster.”
SATURDAY, MAY 18
8:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
Season finale! The Doctor’s greatest secret is revealed. (I bet it starts with an “h” and rhymes with “burp-eze.”)
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Season finale! Ben Affleck hosts, with musical guest Kanye West (and hopefully not Kim Kardashian).
SUNDAY, MAY 19
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season finale! After winning the lottery with Homer, Carl absconds with the money to Iceland! Because… Iceland!
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Don is surprised by a visitor, who (I hope, I hope, I hope) is Sal from season one!
MONDAY, MAY 20
8:30 FOX THE GOODWIN GAMES
Debut! A family competes for their inheritance in this sitcom that Fox has exactly zero confidence in.
10:00 ABC MOTIVE
Debut! A Canadian crime-drama import, where the audience knows whodunit—but what was the… MOTIVE?
TUESDAY, MAY 21
9:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season finale! Which noncelebrity will win? This much we can be sure of—you’ve never heard of them.
Follow me your own damn self! @WmSteveHumphrey