Hey! Have you been watching Mad Men this season? No? Then shut up and go away. What's that? You are watching Mad Men, but you're only on season three? Then shut up and go away. What's that? You are watching this season of Mad Men and you're completely caught up? AHHHH, I'm so in love with you, I could just lick your tonsils dry.
However! Even if you HAVEN'T watched every Mad Men episode this season, I'm not going to reveal any important "spoilers," thereby causing you to cry like a tubby baby who just had a titty yanked out of its mouth. Instead, we're going to talk about the AWESOME Mad Men conspiracy theories that have been burning up the internet over the last few weeks.
As you comparative literature majors already know, Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner is a real goddamn smarty-pants when it comes to crafting TV shows. And in Mad Men, he especially loves exploring the duality of the characters—the two sides of Don Draper, the mirror imagery of Don Draper/Peggy Olson and Pete Campbell/Lane Pryce... the list goes boringly on! Anywhoop, this duality has launched the internet into a conspiracy-theory-developing dither! For example:
Megan Draper as Sharon Tate: Don's wife as the most famous victim of the 1969 Manson family murders? The clues—according to Reddit, Uproxx, and (the excellent Mad Men fashion blog) Tom & Lorenzo—abound: Megan is seen wearing the exact same T-shirt as Sharon from a 1968 photo shoot. Then there's the seemingly innocuous break-in at the Draper home, as well as the increasing incidences of violence on the show, along with high-pitched squeals of police sirens whenever Megan's on camera. And that's just the creepy start!
Megan is already dead: WHAAAAT??? Well, at least that's the theory from Uproxx mad theorist Dustin Rowles, who reminds us that Don has a history of hallucinating dead people, and when he sees Megan and a dead soldier (from episode one) while tripping on hashish at that California party, it stands to reason that both are speaking to him from the afterlife. On the other hand, this theory sounds like phoney- baloney cow plop to me... so let's ignore it.
Don is gonna croak: OH, here's a goodie. From episode one of this season onward, Don has been obsessed with death—check out that lousy ad campaign showing footprints walking into the ocean. Or when he peppered the temporarily dead apartment-building doorman for details of what the afterlife was like. So it might be just like the cheeky Matthew Weiner to bump Don off at the end of the season and deal with the aftermath later... or perhaps not at all and yank the plug, ending the series early! (Again, this is most likely bull-poopy phoney-baloney... but fun to consider!)
BUT HERE'S MY QUARTER-ASSED THEORY, WHICH IS THE BEST MAD MEN THEORY OF ALL TIIIIIME!!
Don's been dead the entire time! HE'S the one who got blown up back in Korea—not the real Don Draper, and his purgatory is being trapped in the soul-deadening world of 1960s advertising! And here's an even more compelling theory: I'M DEAD, TOO. In fact, you're ALL DEAD! (So shut up and go away.)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12
9:00 SPIKE GUYS CHOICE AWARDS
The annual ceremony that applauds the best in beer, boobs, and farts.
10:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD
Season finale! Another end to another unmemorable season… but were they really even there to begin with?!?
THURSDAY, JUNE 13
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Will’s hallucinations intensify… which means it may be time to give up those pills prescribed by serial killer Hannibal?!?
Midnight TOON NTSF:SD:SUV
The team must stop a group of terrorists who target a speeding bus! (Don’t forget your transfer ticket!)
FRIDAY, JUNE 14
10:00 IFC MARON
Marc receives sex texts from a fan and an offer his penis cannot refuse!
SATURDAY, JUNE 15
11:30 am DISXD PAC-MAN AND THE GHOSTLY ADVENTURES
Debut! A new Pac-Man cartoon, okay… but where’s my animated adventures of Tetris?!?
SUNDAY, JUNE 16
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Season premiere! Bill undergoes a messy reincarnation… but EWW!! What the hell is he?
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Don takes a day off—to join up with the MANSON FAMILY, maybe??
MONDAY, JUNE 17
9:00 HBO LOVE, MARILYN
A documentary on the life of Marilyn Monroe, focusing on her personal diaries and letters.
10:00 TLC HONEY DO
Debut! Four handymen help a woman finish projects her husband is too lazy to do. Gee, passive-aggressive much?
TUESDAY, JUNE 18
9:00 NBC THE VOICE
Season finale! Introducing the best singer in America who you will never hear from again!
10:30 COM INSIDE AMY SCHUMER
Amy catches her boyfriend cheating and ridicules a 12-year-old. Wait… are these sketches mutually exclusive?
My Twitter was an inside job! @WmSteveHumphrey