From the Feb 19 – Feb 25, 2004 issue

Columns

I Love Television

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

You know, there's been a lot of YAP, YAP, YAP lately about television's "plummeting morality." Well, brothers and sisters, I'm here to tell you one thing: LET IT FALL. I've had it up to here (please imagine a spot just above my "inferior nasal conchae") with uptight naysayers with chicken legs shoved up their asses telling ME what's proper for children to be watching on television. Let me tell YOU something, Li'l Mr. Naysayer-Man! I've got somewhere around 27 out-of-wedlock children floating around this country, and though I'm not in contact with any of them, they know they're free to watch whatever they want, whenever they want! (Just don't expect me to pay the Cinemax bill, you freaking freeloaders. Now... bring Daddy a drink.)

That being said, it's February sweeps (AKA "Hullabaloo Season") over at the Fox network, when they do their damnedest to offend as many people as possible in the shortest amount of time. In 2000, it was Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?. In 2002, it was Celebrity Boxing. And in 2004, it's going to be Out of Control Ferris Wheel, in which the producers pack a mechanically damaged Ferris wheel with blind adults, cancer kids, and baby kittens.

Okay... that's not true. See, sometimes when I have some offensive news to deliver I will make up an even more offensive lie to lessen the offensiveness of the blow I'm about to deliver. That being said, one of my favorite reality TV shows of all time is coming back for another go-round this week: MAN VS. BEAST 2 (Fox, Friday Feb 20, 9 pm).

"Oh for the love of sweet Jesus, Humpy!" I hear you cry. "Don't you know that it is morally reprehensible to humiliate animals in such a manner?" Well, my question for you would be, "Who's humiliating who?" In last year's Man vs. Beast competition, was it not the towering grizzly bear who won the hotdog-eating competition by downing 50 wieners in under two minutes? Was it not the wily orangutan who defeated the sumo wrestler in a tug-of-war match?

"Perhaps you have a point there, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me," I hear you crow in defense. "However! Was it not the Navy Seal who defeated the chimp in the obstacle course?" Well... I'll give you that one. BUT THAT WAS ONE GODDAMN LAZY MONKEY!

But... whatever! My point is that if there was any humiliating going on, it was the ANIMALS doing it! What about those 50 dwarves who were in a 747 towing match with an elephant? Where are the people screaming, "Hey, you bastard elephant! What did those midgets ever do to YOU??"

So on behalf of all the humans (normal and short) who got their asses handed to them by those furry-coated jerks last year, this Friday I'm putting my entire paycheck on MAN to win in Man vs. Beast 2. After the thousands of years of getting bit in the ass by you garbage-eating varmints--IT'S PAYBACK TIME!