Longtime I Love Television™ reader Rebecca Madison writes, "Dear Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: Why do you trademark your name? Are you afraid I'm going to steal it? Are you going to sue me for using your name in the opening of this letter? Can I trademark my name? Should I trademark my name? Help! Love, Rebecca."
The answer to all of those questions (except the first one) is a resounding "YES!" As for why I choose to trademark my name, it started waaaaaay back in the early '90s when McDonald's and other companies began trademarking not only their names and products—but also words and phrases they wanted associated with their products. For example, McDonald's "I'm lovin' it." That's trademarked, yo! And so is "How did you sleep last night?"(1800Mattress.com), "That's a good idea!" (Rubbermaid), "Funny you should ask" (Gale Group), "It's gonna be great!" (Great Clips), and "That's hot" (Paris Hilton).
Well, let me tell YOU something, America! If Paris Hilton is trademarking her shit, I'M not going to be the only a-hole everyone is stealing from! Especially YOU, "Rebecca Madison"—if that is indeed your name, and you didn't steal it from somebody!
Do YOU want to call yourself or your future unborn children William Steven Humphrey? FINE! Name 'em that all day long! BUT! If you call him/her "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey," I'll see you and your name-stealing, diaper-gravy-smelling brat in COURT! (Note: The trademark application for "diaper gravy" has been filed.)
Speaking of "branding oneself," the FX network is making significant (and confusing) brand shifts this week on TV! Now, as you surely know, FX stands for "Fox Extended"—as in an extension of the Fox Network. However! This coming Monday, September 2, FX is spinning off a new network calling itself FXX (replacing the Fox Soccer Network on your channel lineup, or find it by going to getfxx.com). How is FXX different from regular FX? Well, for one, it has an extra "X." Also, it's harder to pronounce. For example, you pronounce FX as "Effects," right? So how do you pronounce FXX? Like... "Effexcessecks"? "F-ex-sucks"? "Eff-acck-accks"? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE THAT!
According to the FXX execs (pronounced EX-EX), they're aiming the programming toward the male 18-to-34 demographic—or, as they're better known, "dumb jocks who still think burp and fart jokes are funny." That being said, there's gonna be some pretty good shows here. FXX is kicking off its debut with a Labor Day Parks and Recreation marathon, starting at 7 a.m. and ending almost at midnight. (Naturally, you could have your marathon anytime by watching the series on Netflix... but it's well-known that men who are 18 to 34 have nothing else to do on Labor Day except belch and fart.)
Also on tap? New episodes of the legitimately funny It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (debuting Wed Sept 4 at 10 pm) and The League (at 10:30 pm), as well as Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell (11 pm), which will now run five nights per week. Other than that? I assume a lot of belching™ and farting™, but... "We'll just have to wait and see!"™
Hope that answers your questions, Rebecca! "Have a great day!"™
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 28
9:00 TLC HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO
June spends hours looking for the perfect bra—that she’ll never ever wear. Sigh.
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Marco tries to stop Sonya from pursuing a cold lead—and I just bet he’ll end up looking like an a-hole!
THURSDAY, AUGUST 29
8:00 ABC MOTIVE
Season finale! Flynn and Vega identify a killer, but they can’t figure out the motive. They’d better, since that’s the name of the show!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 30
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
With special guest (and professional potty mouth) Sarah Silverman.
11:00 COM JOHN OLIVER’S NEW YORK STANDUP SHOW
The departing interim Daily Show host introduces great comedy talent, including the hilarious Ron Funches.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 31
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
A funny, star-filled repeat featuring (SQUEEEE!!) Justin Timberlake.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
7:00 ABC FALL PREVIEW
ABC trots out clips of upcoming fall shows that will be far less interesting than anything on cable.
9:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Walt develops a new strategy to evade Hank—which I assume means running for his life?
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
10:00 COM ROAST OF JAMES FRANCO
Seth Rogen hosts, and oh god… where does one start? WHERE DOES ONE START?!?
10:00 SUN THE WRITERS’ ROOM
Season finale! Discussing the writing process behind the creeeeepy American Horror Story.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
9:00 G4 AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR
It’s the Las Vegas national finals where the hunkiest shirtless hotties… wait. I got distracted. What do they do again?
10:00 SYFY HEROES OF COSPLAY
An episode dedicated to anime characters. Dibs on Sailor Moon!!
“It’s Twitter-ific!”™ @WmSteveHumphrey