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For those of you who pride yourselves on your oh-so-interesting "social lives," you're gonna have to think of something else to bore us to tears with—because the new fall season of TV shows starts this week! HURRAH!! Boooooo old things! Yaaaaaaay new things! And sure, while most of the shows debuting this week range from somewhat to downright terrible—hey! THEY'RE NEW. And I'll take a semi-terrible new thing to a semi-terrible old thing any day of the week. (And yes, I'm looking at YOU, Dancing with the Stars and Speaker of the House John Boehner!)
So let's take a look at these shiny, new, somewhat terrible baubles, shall we? Getting out ahead of the rest of the networks, Fox is debuting three of its new shows this week, and here's the lowdown:
• Sleepy Hollow (Fox, Mon Sept 16, 9 pm). The historic town of Sleepy Hollow is a nice place to live... until its most famous former resident, the Headless Horseman, returns to lop off some heads! (There goes the local tourism industry.) Luckily for the residents, the horseman's old nemesis, Ichabod Crane, also wakes up after a two-century nap to join the local police (which includes Orlando Jones, the guy from the 7-Up commercials) in chasing down the Horseman, who actually turns out to be one of the biblical "four horsemen of the apocalypse," and—WHAT THE FREAK IS GOING ON HERE??? As it turns out... a whole freaking lot! And while the pilot looks surprisingly only semi-terrible (they really nail the spooky atmosphere), there's still a poop-ton full of unnecessary ka-razy.
* Recommended only for those who love Grimm, Scandal, and Adderall.
• Dads (Fox, Tues Sept 17, 8 pm). First things first, Seth MacFarlane (Family Guy, Ted) is a goddamn a-hole, and one of the UNfunniest people on earth. And he's executive producing this new sitcom about two best friends/business partners whose dads coincidentally move in with them—soooo... this does not bode well on any level. Dads is really not worth anyone's time, but quickly—just so you can explain to people why you're not watching it—it's deeply stupid, it's unoriginal, it thinks racist jokes are edgy, and like its executive producer, it's one of the UNfunniest things on earth.
* Recommended only for goddamn a-holes like Seth MacFarlane.
• Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Fox, Tues Sept 17, 8:30 pm). Of the three Fox shows debuting this week, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is the best... which still isn't saying much. Former SNL cast member Andy Samberg stars as a smart-assy detective cracking cases while trying to avoid the ire of his tough, by-the-book captain (Andre Braugher), and his uptight but—ooh-la-la—sexually attractive partner (Melissa Fumero). Have you heard this story before? OH YES, YOU HAVE. And yet? Samberg is charming, the cast is talented, the jokes occasionally land, and Barney Miller has been off the air for 31 years. Ehh! So why not?
* Recommended for people with short attention spans or who have undergone a recent surgery in which their doctors have advised them not to laugh too hard.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
12:30 am TOON THE HEART, SHE HOLLER
Season premiere! The absolutely hilarious return of this insane Southern Gothic comedy starring Patton Oswalt! Season-pass this shit!
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Sonya and Marco are close to catching the serial killer. And when they do? They’ll have to find something else to pass the time.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
8:30 CBS FALL PREVIEW
Wake up, Grandma—here’s a sneak peek at the CBS fall schedule. “Are they bringing Matlock back?”
Midnight TOON CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL
Owen gets a perm that looks terrible, but he cures children of cancer. Soooo… there’s that.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
7:30 IFC ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT MINI-MARATHON
Five episodes of the awesome old series, not the crappy new series.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
12:30 am TOON THE HEART, SHE HOLLER
Tonight: “The Telltale Butthole”—which is the greatest episode title for anything ever.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
9:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Walt’s methy empire begins to crumble. (Better wear a hard hat!)
10:00 HBO THE NEWSROOM
Season finale! The newsroom winds down their election coverage and searches for new ways to be the most annoying show on television.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season premiere! Cancer-diagnosed Valerie Harper, Snooki, AND Bill Nye the Science Guy? Okay, maybe I’ll watch ONE.
10:00 CBS UNDER THE DOME
Season finale! Will they get out from under the dome? And what if there’s a new dome beyond that? What if we’re all under a dome RIGHT NOW??
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Season premiere! Jess and Nick run off to Mexico, where the residents do not think she’s “adorkable.”
9:30 FOX THE MINDY PROJECT
Season premiere! Mindy solves all of her problems forever. Good! Next show, please.
Recommended for people who ordinarily hate Twitter: @WmSteveHumphrey