Okay look, dong-holes! It's the new fall season of shows, and I don't have time for any of your flighty, namby-pamby, wishy-washy CRAP. Hell no, I don't have time to go to yoga. Hell no, I haven't had time to read that "fascinating long-form article" in the Atlantic on the "inexorable demise of enchantment." And hell no, I don't have time to Twitter what I had for lunch today or how glorious the sunset looks from my backyard patio. Screw your patio, screw the sun, and SCREW YOU. This is the way this is gonna work: I'm gonna tell what to watch and what NOT to watch on TV this week, and you're going to say, "Thank you, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, for your diligent work, and I'm sorry if I've wasted any of your extremely valuable time!"
• The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC, Thurs Sept 26, 9 pm). I am bound by federal law not to say anything disparaging about Michael J. Fox—who has Parkinson's... through no fault of my own!—or his new sitcom The Michael J. Fox Show. But I can say this: Michael J. Fox remains a great comedic actor and has killed it in guest appearances on Rescue Me and Curb Your Enthusiasm... aaand Back to the Future is still pretty boss? Aaaaand... (ahem) there are worse new shows on television? (Phew. Barely escaped that one. Take it from me, federal penitentiary is the worst.)
• The Crazy Ones (CBS, Thurs Sept 26, 9 pm). Less-annoying-than-he-used-to-be Robin Williams teams up with more-annoying-than-she-used-to-be Sarah Michelle Geller as a crazy-pop/exasperated-daughter duo running a big advertising agency. And it doesn't look half bad! While I can't imagine how they plan on sustaining the energy of the first episode, look for some funny improv from Williams, as well as a standout performance from Mad Men's James Wolk (aka Bob Benson! SQUEEEEEE!!).
• Masters of Sex (Showtime, Sun Sept 29, 10 pm). Based on the recent biography of sex-research pioneers Masters and Johnson, this dramedy starring Michael Sheen (as sexually uptight gynecologist William Masters) and Lizzy Caplan (as sexually UNtight assistant Virginia Johnson) has puh-lenty of drama and sex. Yahoo! But it also offers Masters and the rest of us plenty to think about in terms of women's rights—both in and out of the sack. Thought-provoking, charming, and horny-inducing, Masters of Sex has it all... in bed!
• Breaking Bad (AMC, Sun Sept 29, 9 pm). Yes, I know this isn't a new show, BUT OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH THIS!! It's only the series finale of one of the top five TV shows of all time! Tonight we learn the fate of meth-cooking chemistry teacher/megalomaniac Walter White, and if you say, "Oh, I'm unfamiliar with that series, and besides I'm simply swamped trying to perfect this delightful new recipe for gluten-free zucchini and heirloom tomato lasagna I read about on Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website Goop," IIIIIII WEEEEEEEL KEEEEELLLLLL YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! (Ahem. That's your cue.)
"Thank you, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, for your diligent work, and I'm sorry if I've wasted any of your extremely valuable time!"
No sweat! That's what I get paid for!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
8:30 ABC BACK IN THE GAME
Debut! A deadbeat dad coaches a Bad News Bears–style team. Where have I heard this before… oh, yeah! The Bad News Bears!
10:00 ABC NASHVILLE
Season premiere! Deacon awaits sentencing, while Rayna lies in a coma. You know… THE YOUZH.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
8:00 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Season premiere! Leslie and the gang travel to London—and you can bet Ron has a few opinions about that!
9:00 FOX GLEE
Season premiere! The Glee kids sing the songs of the Beatles. (Ugh! I thought they were against bullying!)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
8:00 FOX MASTERCHEF JUNIOR
Debut! Chef Ramsay critiques cuisine prepared by a bunch of children. (Go on, baby! CRYYYYYYYY!!!)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Season premiere! With six new cast members, musical guest Arcade Fire, and host Tina Fey!
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
9:00 SHO HOMELAND
Season premiere! Carrie is called in to testify before a Senate committee. (Go on, baby! CRYYYYYY!!!)
9:00 ABC REVENGE
Season premiere! Emily reflects on her actions, and decides to rededicate herself to… REVENGE!!
10:00 HBO EASTBOUND & DOWN
Season premiere! Now a family man, Kenny Powers looks at his life and decides he’s not banging enough tail.
10:30 HBO HELLO, LADIES
Debut! Funny limey Stephen Merchant stars as a doofus who tries to reverse his terrible luck with the ladies.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
8:30 CBS WE ARE MEN
Debut! A divorced man moves in with other divorced men who naturally become the worst men on the planet.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 1
8:00 ABC AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
While tracking a mysterious object, Coulson encounters a sexy spy from his past! (Rrrowrr! Pant pant! Ah-OOH-gah!)
Check out my descriptions of patio sunsets on Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey