Look, we’ll get to the new fall TV shows debuting this week in a minute—but first? TWERKING. I gotta say I’m purrrrretty disappointed that Miley Cyrus is being credited for popularizing twerking… especially when I’ve been twerking it for years! Remember back in 1995 when you were doing the Tootsee Roll, and you said, “Humpy! What are you doing? That’s not the Tootsee Roll!” And I was like, “Um, hello? I’m twerking, thankyouverymuch.” And then that time in 2009 when you were doing the Stanky Leg and Booty Dew? And you were all like, “Humpy! Do the Stanky Leg! Do the Booty Dew!” And I was like, “Too busy twerking, home slice!”
Remember that? Yeahhhh… good times.
Anyway, that’s why it burns my biscuits that Miley Cyrus is profiting off my good twerk. And on this week’s Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 pm)—in which Miley is both host and musical guest—you can bet she’s going to spend the entire show half-naked, licking the underside of her chin with that monstrous cow tongue of hers, and twerking like she’s never even HEARD of Twerkmaster™ Wm.™ Steven Humphrey!
So unfriend her on Facebook or something.
Okay! (Clap!) (That was my buttocks clapping together, by the way. I’m twerking while writing this.) What new fall shows are debuting this week?
• Super Fun Night (ABC, Wed Oct 2, 9:30 pm). Aussie actress Rebel Wilson (Pitch Perfect) stars as a recently promoted worker bee who decides to reinvent her boring social life. The super-awkward shenanigans of the first episode were panned by so many critics that they’re kicking off with the second episode—in hopes of reducing the “craptastic” quotient by 50 percent. Good luck!
• Ironside (NBC, Wed Oct 2, 10 pm). Blair Underwood—whom you remember from L.A. Law and absolutely nothing else—stars in this remake of the 1960s series that starred wheelchair-bound Raymond Burr. Except this time, Underwood is in the wheelchair, and he’s a hard-drinking dick-with-a-heart-of-gold who’s always rolling over his captain’s last nerve, because DAMN IT! You’re just too good at your job, Ironside! (Snoooooooooze.)
• The Millers (CBS, Thurs Oct 3, 8:30). I love me some Greg Garcia—best known for creating the terrific My Name Is Earl and Raising Hope—but this time around? NO THANKS. Why? Because even though it stars comedy powerhouses Will Arnett (Arrested Development) and Margo Martindale (Justified, The Americans), it’s all about farts and old people masturbating. And if I wanted to see that? Well, let’s just say there’s a reason I haven’t visited my grandma in five years.
• The Originals (CW, Thurs Oct 3, 9 pm.) If you can’t get enough of vampires (or their diaries) then check out The Originals—a spin-off of The Vampire Diaries! Bad guy/vampire/werewolf hybrid (!!) Klaus moves from Mystic Falls to New Orleans to go fang-to-fang with his old pal Marcel, now the area’s King Vamp. Then along comes Phoebe who says she’s carrying Klaus’s werewolf baby? And the New Orleans witches want to kill it? And they figure the only way to solve this problem is with a twerking contest? OH, I AM SO THERE.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 2
8:00 CW ARROW: YEAR ONE
A clip show spotlighting the first season of Arrow for those who got bored early on, stopped watching, and then heard it was actually pretty good, and want to start watching it again. (Like me!)
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Season finale! Sonya and Marco are back in the saddle on a new case—just in time for the finale.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 3
8:00 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie meets her Eagleton doppelgänger: played by Kristen Bell!
10:00 ABC SCANDAL
Season premiere! Don’t miss the premiere of the most entertainingly terrible show on TV! Hate-watch it with me!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 4
9:00 E! FASHION POLICE
Joan’s Rangers welcome the funny Margaret Cho!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 5
8:00 LIF HOUSE OF VERSACE—Movie
(2013) A super-campy, over-the-top biopic of Donatella Versace starring Gina Gershon!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 6
9:00 AMC LOW WINTER SUN
Season finale! The finale of the show that you hear about during Breaking Bad but never watch.
11:30 BRAVO THE PEOPLE’S COUCH
Debut! A new reality show that depicts people on their couch watching TV. Okay!
MONDAY, OCTOBER 7
9:00 CW BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
Season premiere! Vincent deals with becoming a changed man—which is to say 37 percent less “beasty.”
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 8
8:00 ABC AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
A brilliant scientist is kidnapped! Joss Whedon–esque witticisms assemble!
9:00 CW SUPERNATURAL
Season premiere! After Sam collapses, Dean appeals to angels for help—who unfortunately are a bunch of dicks.
Twittering: Not as fun as twerkering. @WmSteveHumphrey