Look, weâll get to the new fall TV shows debuting this week in a minuteâbut first? TWERKING. I gotta say Iâm purrrrretty disappointed that Miley Cyrus is being credited for popularizing twerking⌠especially when Iâve been twerking it for years! Remember back in 1995 when you were doing the Tootsee Roll, and you said, âHumpy! What are you doing? Thatâs not the Tootsee Roll!â And I was like, âUm, hello? Iâm twerking, thankyouverymuch.â And then that time in 2009 when you were doing the Stanky Leg and Booty Dew? And you were all like, âHumpy! Do the Stanky Leg! Do the Booty Dew!â And I was like, âToo busy twerking, home slice!â
Remember that? Yeahhhh⌠good times.
Anyway, thatâs why it burns my biscuits that Miley Cyrus is profiting off my good twerk. And on this weekâs Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 pm)âin which Miley is both host and musical guestâyou can bet sheâs going to spend the entire show half-naked, licking the underside of her chin with that monstrous cow tongue of hers, and twerking like sheâs never even HEARD of Twerkmaster⢠Wm.⢠Steven Humphrey!
So unfriend her on Facebook or something.
Okay! (Clap!) (That was my buttocks clapping together, by the way. Iâm twerking while writing this.) What new fall shows are debuting this week?
⢠Super Fun Night (ABC, Wed Oct 2, 9:30 pm). Aussie actress Rebel Wilson (Pitch Perfect) stars as a recently promoted worker bee who decides to reinvent her boring social life. The super-awkward shenanigans of the first episode were panned by so many critics that theyâre kicking off with the second episodeâin hopes of reducing the âcraptasticâ quotient by 50 percent. Good luck!
⢠Ironside (NBC, Wed Oct 2, 10 pm). Blair Underwoodâwhom you remember from L.A. Law and absolutely nothing elseâstars in this remake of the 1960s series that starred wheelchair-bound Raymond Burr. Except this time, Underwood is in the wheelchair, and heâs a hard-drinking dick-with-a-heart-of-gold whoâs always rolling over his captainâs last nerve, because DAMN IT! Youâre just too good at your job, Ironside! (Snoooooooooze.)
⢠The Millers (CBS, Thurs Oct 3, 8:30). I love me some Greg Garciaâbest known for creating the terrific My Name Is Earl and Raising Hopeâbut this time around? NO THANKS. Why? Because even though it stars comedy powerhouses Will Arnett (Arrested Development) and Margo Martindale (Justified, The Americans), itâs all about farts and old people masturbating. And if I wanted to see that? Well, letâs just say thereâs a reason I havenât visited my grandma in five years.
⢠The Originals (CW, Thurs Oct 3, 9 pm.) If you canât get enough of vampires (or their diaries) then check out The Originalsâa spin-off of The Vampire Diaries! Bad guy/vampire/werewolf hybrid (!!) Klaus moves from Mystic Falls to New Orleans to go fang-to-fang with his old pal Marcel, now the areaâs King Vamp. Then along comes Phoebe who says sheâs carrying Klausâs werewolf baby? And the New Orleans witches want to kill it? And they figure the only way to solve this problem is with a twerking contest? OH, I AM SO THERE. 
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 2
8:00 CW ARROW: YEAR ONE
A clip show spotlighting the first season of Arrow for those who got bored early on, stopped watching, and then heard it was actually pretty good, and want to start watching it again. (Like me!)
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Season finale! Sonya and Marco are back in the saddle on a new caseâjust in time for the finale.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 3
8:00 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie meets her Eagleton doppelgänger: played by Kristen Bell!
10:00 ABC SCANDAL
Season premiere! Donât miss the premiere of the most entertainingly terrible show on TV! Hate-watch it with me!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 4
9:00 E! FASHION POLICE
Joanâs Rangers welcome the funny Margaret Cho!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 5
8:00 LIF HOUSE OF VERSACEâMovie
(2013) A super-campy, over-the-top biopic of Donatella Versace starring Gina Gershon!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 6
9:00 AMC LOW WINTER SUN
Season finale! The finale of the show that you hear about during Breaking Bad but never watch.
11:30 BRAVO THE PEOPLEâS COUCH
Debut! A new reality show that depicts people on their couch watching TV. Okay!
MONDAY, OCTOBER 7
9:00 CW BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
Season premiere! Vincent deals with becoming a changed manâwhich is to say 37 percent less âbeasty.â
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 8
8:00 ABC AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
A brilliant scientist is kidnapped! Joss Whedonâesque witticisms assemble!
9:00 CW SUPERNATURAL
Season premiere! After Sam collapses, Dean appeals to angels for helpâwho unfortunately are a bunch of dicks.
Twittering: Not as fun as twerkering. @WmSteveHumphrey
