I Love Television
The Specials Before Xmas
There are those who rush around during the holidays, sending unasked-for Christmas cards, buying terrible presents for everyone (including people they hate), and begging you to attend their caroling performances—which sound like someone threw a bag of cats into a cement mixer. Then there are those who pull down the shades, drain a bottle of Jim Beam, eat an entire pan of far-too-hot Totino's Pizza Rolls, and watch TV Christmas specials while cleaning their firearms. (Sound familiar?)
Anyway, for those in the second group, I want to make it nice and eeeeasy for you to find all your fave holiday specials this week, especially since you're drunk and holding a crossbow. So here's a list of the heavy hitters that you won't want to miss, and... umm... I think the arrow goes in the other direction. Mmm-kay.
• A Home for the Holidays (CBS, Dec 18, 8 pm). This holiday special is hosted by Celine Dion—who is perhaps certifiably insane and sings songs like she's got a giant alien worm trying to force its way out of her body. I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!! (It will also feature a few terribly sad stories about foster children, so run off to the kitchen for a sandwich during those parts if you're feeling particularly suicidal. You're holding a crossbow, for Christ's sake!)
• Michael Bublé's 3rd Annual Christmas Special (NBC, Dec 18, 10 pm). The Grammy Award winner sings the holiday songs you love—while making me want to stab my eardrum out with a roasting fork. Look. I can sing circles around this dickbone—and yet do I get a holiday special? NO, I don't! All I get is this stupid column in which I get paid to call Michael Bublé a dickbone!!
• The Little Drummer Boy (ABC Family, Dec 21, 7:30 am). EASILY the most depressing and darkest of all the creepy-wooden-puppet Christmas specials. A hate-filled boy gets the opportunity to play his drum for Baby Jesus, who is all like, UGH! You're no Tito Puente. NEXT!
• The Year Without a Santa Claus (ABC Family; Dec 21, 1:30 pm; Dec 22, 7 am; Dec 23, 7 pm). Featuring the most beloved of all creepy wooden holiday puppets—the Heat and Snow Miser! (Sorry, Rudolph, we'll send you your severance check in the mail.)
• Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (ABC Family; Dec 21, 2:30 pm; Dec 22, 8 am; Dec 23, 6 pm). Put one foot in front OF the ooother!/And soon you'll be walkin' 'cross the floo-ooo-OR!/Put one foot in front OF the ooother!/And soon you'll be headin' out the DOOR! (But don't bring the crossbow.)
• It's a Wonderful Life (NBC, Dec 24, 8 pm). Jimmy Stewart stars as a man who loses everything—but when he takes a hallucinogenic drug (street name: Zuzu's Petals), he imagines a drunk angel who shows him what life would've been like if he'd never been born. Here are three things that would've happened to the world if I hadn't been born: Totino's Pizza Rolls stock would tumble. Roughly 73 children would know who their actual father is. And I wouldn't have just accidentally shot my neighbor's rooftop inflatable Santa with a crossbow. Whoops.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18
8:00 CW THE IHEARTRADIO JINGLE BALL
The Madison Square Garden concert featuring Pitbull, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Miley Cyrus, and her tongue.
9:30 ABC 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE
Barbara Walters returns with her annual list—which annually forgets all about ME!!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 19
8:00 FOX THE X FACTOR
Season finale! A winner is chosen—though I swear to god I had NO IDEA this show was even picked up this year.
9:00 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE CHRISTMAS
The best holiday sketches from the SNL archives.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20
8:00 CBS I LOVE LUCY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
A classic I Love Lucy holiday episode that's been unnaturally colorized for your non—enjoyment.
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG BANG
With special guest star Zach Galifianakis dressed in a Santa suit. (There ought to be a law against that.)
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Jimmy Fallon, with musical guest Justin Timberlake and new versions of sketches you've seen a billion times before.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 22
7:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC—Movie
(1965) The ORIGINAL (and far superior) version starring Julie Andrews and not that buck-toothed hick Carrie Underwood.
10:00 HBO GETTING ON
Check out this very funny (and a little dark) comedy about a critical care unit for the elderly!
MONDAY, DECEMBER 23
9:00 ABC THE GREAT CHRISTMAS LIGHT FIGHT
Families battle to see who can make their front-lawn Christmas decorations look the most grotesque!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24
8:00 ABC HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS!
The classic 1966 cartoon followed by the live-action movie abomination starring (blech) Jim Carrey.
8:00 TBS A CHRISTMAS STORY MARATHON—Movie
(1983) Ralphie shoots his eye out with a BB gun—for 24 hours straight!
Put one tweet in front of the other! @WmSteveHumphrey