T oday some jerk said to me, "Unnghh, the world is so PC now. You can't make fun of ANYBODY." To which I replied, "We can still make fun of anus-faces like YOU." People have been getting offended by jokes (and sometimes rightly so) since the dawn of time—you're just hearing about it now because the world has a bullhorn (called the internet) that will loudly notify you when you're an anus-faced pee-hole. Here's a general rule of thumb for making fun of people: choose someone of your rank in society or higher. Say you're a handsome, straight frat boy. Can you make fun of the pope? YES, YOU CAN. Can you make fun of Donald Trump? YES, YOU CAN. Can you make fun of an overweight poor person who's gay? NO, YOU CAN'T—and unless you enjoy making simpering apologies to millions of people on the internet, you might want to shut the fuck up.
That being said, it's completely, absolutely fine to make fun of the British. Why? Because they're roughly on the same social footing as America. (Yes, we have a lot more nuclear weapons, but they have One Direction—so it equals out.) Also, they're kind of being anus-faced, pee-hole, stink-poops right now.
As we can all agree, the BBC series Sherlock is one of the greatest shows of the modern age. Unfortunately, it is British—which means it's extremely frustrating on three levels:
1. British series (like Sherlock, which has only three episodes per season!!) are either tooooo long or waaaaay too short. For example, the British version of The Office was 14 episodes... TOTAL. (What??) Meanwhile, the excruciatingly boring Doctor Who has been on the air since 1963. (That's five years BEFORE my grandmother dropped her first hit of LSD. WTF??)
2. Sherlock stars Benedict Cumberbund... Cinderstun... Cumquatsnatch... NOBODY CAN SPELL YOUR NAME, IDIOT.
3. The Brits are Sherlock hoarders! The BBC already debuted season three of Sherlock on January 1 of this year... and yet? We've been forced to sit around with our thumbs up our pucker-holes until this Sunday, January 19! (Look for it on PBS at 10 p.m., immediately following those pucker-holes on Downton Abbey.) Why did they wait so long to share? Because they are EVIL!
See, the Brits are still furious about the whole Revolutionary War/dumping their tea in the harbor thing. (They really like tea.) That's why they held back Sherlock—so they could gee-and-gaw about it on blogs and Twitter for 2.5 weeks (which is, like, 57 years in internet time), dropping endless spoilers and lisping, "Cor blimey, luv... wotevah will the poor Americans doooo?"
OR! OR! Perhaps even more evil-y, they expected us to lose our patience and illegally download Sherlock season three on one of those pirate sites (please tell me you didn't) and then have us all arrested and imprisoned! Then their mouths—full of deformed, broken yellow teeth—would curl into a sadistic smirk as they say, "Spit-spot, guv'nah. That'll collywobble your John Thomas! Tuppence for the birds!"
(Note: I can make fun of their teeth because the inside of my mouth looks like a graveyard for decade-old candy corn.)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Season premiere! The show that refuses to quit (even when asked nicely) returns with Jennifer Lopez.
8:00 CW ARROW
Arrow tries to stop a mad bomber before he blows up his favorite antique store!
THURSDAY, JANUARY 16
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
Investigators grill the gang, leading to surprising revelations—which isn’t surprising, is it?
8:30 NBC PARKS & RECREATION
Leslie and Ben are excited by their new jobs where they get to say “Would you like fries with that?”
FRIDAY, JANUARY 17
10:00 SYFY HELIX
The scientists think they have the virus contained, until black goo starts running out of their noses.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 18
8:00 LIFE FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC—Movie
(2013) An unintentionally campy remake of the creepy incesty teen book starring Heather Graham and Ellen Burstyn.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Drake! Musical guest Drake! Ticket taker Drake!
SUNDAY, JANUARY 19
10:00 PBS SHERLOCK
Season premiere! Cor blimey, guvnah! I thought you were dead!
10:30 HBO LOOKING
Debut! A trio of gay men in San Francisco is the subject of this new dramedy that’s like Girls, but thankfully gayer.
MONDAY, JANUARY 20
7:30 TOON POWERPUFF GIRLS
Yay! A new Powerpuff Girls cartoon, costarring… RINGO STARR???
TUESDAY, JANUARY 21
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Raylan gets to temporarily live in a mob accountant’s mansion. (Hope he doesn’t shoot the butler!)
10:00 SYFY OPPOSITE WORLDS
Debut! A reality show that pits contestants from the future against those in the primitive past. WHAT.
Twitter: My personal bullhorn. @WmSteveHumphrey