Okay, listen up, dick bones! Today we rightfully bow down to one of the truly great actors of our time, Matthew Motherfreaking McConaughey! Now, you might be wondering (1) why I'm asking you to bow down while you're wearing your best pants, and (2) why I'm hurting your feelings by calling you a "dick bone." IT'S BECAUSE I FREAKING LOVE MATTHEW MOTHERFREAKING McCONAUGHEY, AND BY THE END OF THIS COLUMN, YOU'LL LOVE HIM, TOO, RAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
What follows are four perfect reasons why Matthew Motherfreaking McConaughey is the bee's balls.
• He spent much of the last decade walking around without a shirt on. I shouldn't have to explain why that's awesome.
• He was once arrested while playing the bongos nude. Apparently, drugs were allegedly involved—but I'm pretty sure that's the way he always plays bongos.
• He once rescued a cat when some rotten kids tried to set it on fire! Matthew Motherfreaking McConaughey is a hero of the highest order!
• He was a great actor, then a terrible actor, and now a great actor again! To recap: Matthew Motherfreaking McConaughey got his big break playing a post–high school lothario in 1993's Dazed and Confused—and killed it. Then he played an insane hillbilly murderer in 1994's Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation—and killed it! (Literally! He was literally killing people!) Then came his 1996 breakout role as a young lawyer in John Grisham's A Time to Kill—and he "time to killed" it!
Unfortunately, he spent much of the early 2000s being terrible. Switching to romantic comedies, Motherfreaking McConaughey starred in The Wedding Planner with Jennifer Lopez (blech!), How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days with Kate Hudson (barf!), as well as Failure to Launch with Sarah (gag!) Jessica (heave!) Parker (VOMIT!).
But lately? He's gotten great again, playing a sexy former stripper in 2012's Magic Mike, as well as garnering an Oscar nomination for his role as a homophobe-turned-hero in last year's critically acclaimed Dallas Buyers Club. BUT GUYS—yeah, you, dick bone—you simply MUST check out Motherfreaking McConaughey in what might be THE best acting I've ever seen in a TV series: as troubled cop Rustin Cohle in HBO's True Detective (Sundays, 9 pm).
The show revolves around two Louisiana detectives (Motherfreaking McConaughey, along with the also-great Woody Harrelson) and their hunt for a creepy serial killer. The show hops through time, from 1995 (when the men are going to extreme lengths to crack the case), to the present day (when they're being questioned about their questionable actions). Motherfreaking McConaughey's character is a revelation, a deeply troubled and wounded detective whose past life as a drug-abusing undercover cop haunts his present, alienating him from his partner—and making everyone suspect he has a little too much in common with the evil he's pursuing.
Wanna learn more? Then watch the amazing Matthew Motherfreaking McConaughey on this week's installment of Inside the Actors Studio (Bravo, Thurs Feb 20, 8 pm)! He'll be discussing his many roles—both great and terrible—as well as his love for rescuing helpless animals, and if we're lucky? He'll take his pants off and play some bongos. (Be prepared to fall in love, dick bone!)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 19
8:00 NBC WINTER OLYMPICS
Tonight: women’s bobsled, and the giant slalom featuring the hilariously named Ted Ligety.
10:00 COM WORKAHOLICS
Karl undergoes a “medical procedure,” and five bucks says it’s foreskin removal!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20
8:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
Tonight starring Matthew Motherfreaking McConaughey RAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
10:00 TRU KILLER KARAOKE
It’s the return of this insane reality contest where singers are literally tortured while trying to sing their fave songs!
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21
10:00 SYFY HELIX
The goo-squirting vectors steal Peter’s body! Hey, we were gonna use that!
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 22
8:00 NBC WINTER OLYMPICS
Tonight: figure skating, and the sexiest of all winter Olympic sports, four-man bobsledding.
11:00 NBC ABOUT A BOY
Debut! Based on the Nick Hornby novel about a single guy whose life is RUINED (okay, happily changed) by a single mom and her son.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 23
8:30 NBC WINTER OLYMPICS
The closing ceremony. FINALLY.
9:00 HBO TRUE DETECTIVE
Hart’s wife Maggie shares her memories of Cohle (AKA MATTHEW MOTHERFREAKING McCONAUGHEY!!!).
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 24
9:00 LOGO RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE
Season premiere! The sixth season kicks off with 14 new contestants, including Seattle’s fabulous BenDeLaCreme!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Jess’s sister (Linda Cardellini) gets a case of the “hornies” for one of the boys!
10:00 ABC MIND GAMES
Debut! Christian Slater stars as a master manipulator—and yet? I can’t be manipulated into watching this.
Follow MOTHERFREAKING ME on Twitter @WmSteveHumphrey