Kids from the future? THEY'RE THE WORST. Now, I'm not one of those Tom Brokawâish "Greatest Generation" horn-blowers who think they're sooo awesome while everybody else before and after them slurps diaper gravy. My generation is just as terrible as any other generationâexcept in different terrible ways.
FOR EXAMPLE! My generation invented the following: spandex bike shorts. Kid 'N Play. Muppet Babies. Lisa Frank. Baby Jessica (in the well). Garbage Pail Kids. The Top Gun volleyball scene. Heathcliff. "Music videos." Atari. Labyrinth. Jerry Springer. British Knights. MC Hammer side-loader backpacks. Scratch-and-sniff stickers. Hamilton Beach popcorn poppers. The word "Psych!" Teddy Ruxpin. Jem and the Holograms. Sony Discman. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Boyz II Men. Happy Meals. Friends. Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling... on The Mickey Mouse Club! Blockbuster Video stores. Laser pointers. VHS copies of The Lion King. Hmm... and what else? OH! And just a little thing called "THE INTERNET." (Ever heard of it?)
So yeah, I guess my generation is purrrrrretty great. (And simultaneously absolutely terrible!) However! If the new CW show The 100 (debuting Wed March 19, 9 pm) is any indication? The kids of the future are gonna be, like, SOOOO MUCH WORSE.
The 100 takes place a century after the nuclear apocalypse (my generation is not taking the blame for this one, btw!), and the only surviving humans are on 12 space stations orbiting the planet. After connecting the space stations together (which they call "the ark"), and screwing like bunnies, they're suddenly faced with overpopulation and forced to come up with new and creative ways to "thin the herd." (One involves shoving people out into space. Hey! Gets the job done!)
Anyway, the ark overlords decide to secretly send 100 teen prisoners (who are all super-hot, because this is still a CW show) down to Earth to see if the planet is habitable. And when they get there? OH, BOY! THE LORD OF THE FLIES FUN BEGINS! Free of parental constraints, the hot teens act out exactly how hot teens always act out when their folks are out of townâwith a Kid 'N Playâstyle pajama-jammie-jam! Okay, actually they start separating into cliques, beating each other up, and making horny-time sex with each other. (Not as good as a pajama-jammie-jam... but still!)
Unfortunately, life on postapocalyptic Earth is no picnic, andâthanks to all that radiationâhas produced some purrrretty interesting byproducts which include, but are not limited to: flesh-eating eels, two-headed deer, and creepy tomahawk-throwing mutants. That means if they intend to survive in this brutal new world, they'd better team up and stop all this teenage ass-grabbery!
So! What should you expect as a viewer? Well... it's a CW show! Which means it will be cram-packed with moderately okay special effects, tons of teenage drama, medium-to-large-sized plot holes, and lots and lots of guilt-inducing fun. Because... hot teenagers left to their own devices!
Like I said, it's certainly no Kid 'N Playâstyle pajama-jammie-jam, but it's much better than other things my generation created (with the possible exception of Fruit Stripe gum).
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Philipâs cover might be blown by his other wife, Martha! (Moral: Twice the wife, twice the problems.)
10:00 HBO DOLL & EM
Debut! A Hollywood actor (Emily Mortimer) hires her lifelong friend to be her assistant, and awkwardness ensues!
THURSDAY, MARCH 20
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
The gang stages a game of Dungeons & Dragons to help Professor Hickey and his son (David Cross!).
10:00 ABC SCANDAL
Vice Prez Sally meets with the NRAâwhich, surprisingly, doesnât go so well!
FRIDAY, MARCH 21
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Beverly consults imprisoned Will about yet ANOTHER serial-killer case. (Those serial killers keep busy!)
SATURDAY, MARCH 22
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
In this rerun from January, Jonah Hill hosts, with musical guest Bastille.
SUNDAY, MARCH 23
9:00 FOX COSMOS: A SPACETIME ODYSSEY
Host Neil deGrasse Tyson re-creates a comet exploding into the sun, and declares it âAWWWWESOME!â
10:00 HBO GIRLS
Season finale! Hannah gets life-changing career news on the same night Adamâs play opens. Cue mid-20s DRAMA!
MONDAY, MARCH 24
10:00 FX ARCHER
Archer has a (hilarious) run-in with a creepy arms dealer (voiced by Christian Slater!).
10:00 MTV TEEN WOLF
Season finale! Scott and his allies decide to take one last stand (preferably without their shirts).
TUESDAY, MARCH 25
9:30 NBC BROOKLYN NINE-NINE
Season finale! Jake tries to blow the lid off a corruption case that involves his superiors. Nice knowing you, Jake!
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Boyd and Raylan cause someone to get shotâwhich means it must be Tuesday.
My generation didnât invent Twitter. BIG DEAL. @WmSteveHumphrey