I'm trying out a new outlook on life! Instead of thinking everything is eventually going to be "okay," I'm just going to automatically assume it's all going to be terrible. But that's not negative thinking! Because if you think about it, practically everything is already at least somewhat terrible, right? Take Hot Pockets. They are delicious, and yet? You know there are human remains in there. Not a lot! Just enough to make the experience somewhat terrible. Then there's Scarlett Johansson. Yes, she's gorgeous—but deep down? We all know she's kind of terrible. Scarlett Johansson's soul is a rotting dung heap brimming with fetid perversity, and it wouldn't surprise me a bit if she strangled one bunny every day before breakfast. (On the upside? She probably does so dressed in a bikini.)
So, in short? While much of the world has an attractive outward appearance, let's remember that its core is filled not with caramel or nougat, but with terribleness, despair, and the tears of aborted children. (Again, Hot Pockets come to mind.)
Now that we're all in agreement, here are three new shows debuting this week that are all terrible in their own exquisite ways.
• Bad Teacher (CBS, debuts Thurs April 24, 9:30 pm): Any sitcom that's a reboot of an absolutely terrible comedy starring the terrible Cameron Diaz has just got to be... oh, what's the word I'm looking for... TERRIBLE. However! There are also some non-terrible aspects to this remake, such as non-terrible performances by Ari Graynor, David Alan Grier, and Ryan Hansen (Dick Casablancas from Veronica Mars, SQUEEEEEEE!!). And it was adapted by the also non-terrible Hilary Winston (who wrote for Community and the very funny My Name Is Earl). Soooo... ummm... it might be worth checking out? (It can't be more terrible than the movie! IT JUST CAN'T.)
• Black Box (ABC, debuts Thurs April 24, 10 pm): Brilliant and respected neurologist Catherine Black (Kelly Reilly) is world-renowned for being a brain brainiac—but here's some irony: She's bipolar and hates taking her meds. (Hmm... that is a wrinkle.) Anyway, every week, she'll not only solve a bewildering neurological brain case for her patients, she'll also stop taking her meds and go HOG WILD. [Author's note: "Hog wild" can include public drunkenness, wild sex, collapsing in a fit of tears, and slapping hospital administrators across the face.] Probability of terribleness: 50/50... or bi-terrible.
• Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO, debuts Sun April 27, 11 pm): As you undoubtedly recall, The Daily Show's Jon Stewart took last summer off to direct a movie and left John Oliver in charge. To everyone's surprise? He didn't eff it up! In fact, everyone loved this charming Brit, which did not escape the notice of HBO, who promptly moved to steal Oliver away from The Daily Show and establish him as host of his own Daily Show–like show, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. And... waitasecond. I can't really find anything terrible about this. In fact, there's NOTHING terrible about this, which blows my new outlook on life completely out of the water!!
GOD DAMN IT, John Oliver! Why can't you strangle bunnies like Scarlett Johansson??
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23
8:00 CW ARROW
Roy’s serum causes him to fly into an uncontrollable rage! (Keep him away from the good china!)
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Rooskie spies Philip and Elizabeth botch their mission and are docked 35 rubles.
THURSDAY, APRIL 24
8:00 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Season finale! Leslie faces big changes in her future, while Ron faces the wrath of Tammy 2.
Midnight TOON DINNER WITH FRIENDS WITH BRETT GELMAN
Gelman’s dinner for his Hollywood friends goes terribly wrong in a very Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? way.
FRIDAY, APRIL 25
9:00 SUN THE WRITER’S ROOM
A panel chat about TV shows based on graphic novels, including The Walking Dead.
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Hannibal is shocked to discover his new patient is even crazier than him.
SATURDAY, APRIL 26
9:00 TLC SEX SENT ME TO THE ER
UGH! When will this show stop sharing all my secrets??
SUNDAY, APRIL 27
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Don takes an impromptu trip—I’m guessing to either his lover’s place or rehab.
11:00 HBO LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER
Debut! Finally a Daily Show for people who hate Jon Stewart and watching TV five nights a week.
MONDAY, APRIL 28
10:00 NBC THE BLACKLIST
The team goes after “The Kingmaker,” who rigs elections for… let me guess… REPUBLICAN candidates?
TUESDAY, APRIL 29
8:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD
Agent Maria Hill (sexy Cobie Smulders) pops by to help Coulson… maybe with smoochies?
10:00 FX FARGO
Molly sets a trap for the murderer—which I bet involves a “hole” and “ice.”
Twitter: Also bi-terrible. @WmSteveHumphrey