Guys, I'm getting a little tired of your "apocalypse porn." Your obsession with apocalypses (apocalypsi?) is frankly a little weird, and not in the sexy way I like. And don't try to deny it! TV is jam-crammed with apocalypse shows getting good ratings—which means a lot of you are watching them (and perhaps even masturbating to 'em because, as stated earlier, you're weird).
Why so worried about apocalypses, anyway? You think animals worry about apocalypses? You think our ancestors worried about apocalypses? (The answer to that last one is probably "yes." Our ancestors were famous for being stupid, and they probably constantly worried about the sun eating the moon or volcanoes erupting if you didn't toss in the occasional virgin. Anyway, don't stop me, I'm on a roll!)
Look. You've got a pretty sweet life. You have access to the internet, hamburgers, puppies, transportation, drugs, the mall, drinking water, dentistry, Channing Tatum (visual access, that is), mechanical bulls, porn, and Starbucks. And maybe... I don't know... maybe you feel a little guilty about that? Maybe you secretly feel like we don't deserve so much cool stuff and it would serve us right if an apocalypse of some sort came along and wiped all the spoiled crybabies off the earth—preferably starting with gun owners and internet commenters?
(I'm digressing here... but wouldn't it be SO AWESOME if we woke up and all gun owners had mysteriously disappeared? I'd turn that idea into a movie, but since the world would be such a better, happier, more peaceful place without gun owners, it'd be a pretty boring movie.)
ANYWAY. If you simply must be obsessed by apocalypses, then you will probably be interested in the following two apocalypse-themed TV shows debuting this week.
Dominion (Syfy, Thurs June 19, 9 pm): It's always a brave choice to base a new series on a failed movie (2010's Legion)... but hey! The apocalypse is coming, so who gives a shit? Plot: God gets mad at earth and sends his army of angels to kick our collective ass. After 25 years of battling the winged jerks, the planet is a postapocalyptic mess (your favorite kind), and only one rebellious soldier can save humanity from the evil archangel Gabriel. (See? I told you Christians that believing the Bible was a big dumb waste of time!!)
The Last Ship (TNT, Sun June 22, 9 pm): Pandemics: They... are... the... WORST. After an icky infectious disease callously murders 80 percent of the world's population, a few hundred survived because they had the forethought to join the navy and be on a battleship at sea. (I'd never have that forethought.) Despite the apocalypse at hand, there are two lucky things about this situation: (1) There's a sexy lady scientist on board who may be able to find a cure. (2) The ship has lots of big guns to blow away any foreigners who may try to steal America's cure. Oh! And there's also a third thing: This particular "end of the world" comes with lots of half-naked sailors. (Maybe you're right—an apocalypse might not be so bad after all!)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18
10:00 MTV CATFISH: THE TV SHOW
A woman’s relationship with her boyfriend goes kerblooey thanks to a secret online affair.
THURSDAY, JUNE 19
9:00 SUN RECTIFY
Season premiere! Daniel celebrates his first year out of prison by getting beaten up by some jerks.
10:30 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Featuring the insanely sexy and funny Lizzy Caplan (from Masters of Sex)! Yayyyyyyy!
FRIDAY, JUNE 20
10:00 NBC CROSSBONES
Blackbeard the Pirate teams up with his archnemesis Bits-of-Cracker-in-His-Beard the Pirate.
10:00 TBS FUNNIEST WINS
Debut! Another reality show where standup comics humiliate themselves to gain fame. NOT FUNNY.
SATURDAY, JUNE 21
9:00 BBCA ORPHAN BLACK
Season finale! Sarah finds herself in deep poo, and it’s up to the “Clone Club” to save her! (I really want to join the Clone Club!!)
SUNDAY, JUNE 22
9:00 BBCA THE MUSKETEERS
Debut! A “hot teen” update of the Alexandre Dumas classic!
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Season premiere! The town decides to have a “human/vampire” mixer… so what could go wrong?
MONDAY, JUNE 23
9:00 HBO THE CASE AGAINST 8
A documentary about how California’s homophobic Proposition 8 eventually came crashing down.
10:00 MTV TEEN WOLF
Season premiere! The evil Benefactor is back in town, which means the teen “Wolfpack” is ready to take off their shirts and howl.
TUESDAY, JUNE 24
8:00 E! BOTCHED
Debut! A reality show about two doctors fixing botched plastic surgeries. Tonight: “The Uniboob.”
10:00 FX TYRANT
Debut! The Americanized son of a Middle East ruler returns home, where things get immediately AWKWARD.
Your source for apocalyptic tweets: @WmSteveHumphrey