HEY READERS! Absolutely nothing good is on TV this week, so check out this classic I Love Television™ Fourth of July column™ from 2010, and wistfully wonder where America went wrong.
—Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
AMERICA! The country in which I receive a paycheck! AMERICA! The country in which I can say whatever I want about my employer without fear of termination! AMERICA! The country where certain newspapers stupidly refuse to pack their Fourth of July issues with an insane amount of patriotic content. (To my lawyers: My boss can't fire me, right? After all, this is AMERICA!!)
So the other day, I asked this paper's big boss, "Yo, pops! What sort of amazing patriotic content are you planning on packing into this issue? IT'S GONNA BE INSANE, RIGHT?" Well, as it turns out, the amount of patriotic content isn't INSANE at all! In fact, it's decidedly UN-sane!
Though totally nice people, my employers despise everything America stands for. You'll never find them marching through the office dressed in a red, white, and blue thong, waving a flag, and singing "I'm Proud to Be an American" in a boisterous harelip monotone. You'll never find them hanging around the docks offering free handjobs to sailors WHO RISK THEIR LIVES EVERY FREAKING DAY in order to get free handjobs from people hanging around the docks... because, well, obviously MY EMPLOYERS HATE AMERICA.
I, on the other hand, love America. And I prove it every stinking day. I prove it by organizing a squad of A-Team-style mercenaries to rescue prisoners of war and then make occasional special guest appearances at Walmart! I prove it by writing 32 e-mails a day to the Supreme Court asking them to overturn American Idol's totally unfair "no one over the age of 28" rule. (It's BULL PLOP, MAN! BULL FREAKING PLOP!) Oh. And I also prove it by snorting only American-made cocaine. #humblebrag
That's why if this ordinarily fine weekly refuses to run an issue filled with full-page ads reading "AMERICA: LOVE IT OR FUCK YOU!" then it's up to me to provide the patriotic content the most fantastic country in the cosmos deserves. Ahem. Here I go.
AMERICA! It was you who once said, "Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime." For once, you were WRONG, AMERICA! Patriotism is reacting blindly with great rage or enthusiasm to the smallest incident—and in the least thoughtful way possible!
Say, for example, a certain newspaper refuses to pack its pages with an insane amount of patriotic content. Is this an appropriate reason to drink five cases of PBR during work hours, set up a chocolate-pudding Slip 'N Slide next to the copy editor's desk, engage in a Roman-candle battle with those dickholes in the production department, and have sex with that totes hot new intern—preferably on the boss's new color printer? SHIT YEAH, MOTHEREFFERS! THIS IS AMERICA! Where I'm free to scream, dance, take goofballs, swill liquor, punch people in the face, and run down the street draped only in the flag while being chased by cops. Oh, and collect a well-earned weekly paycheck. (Note to employers: Last week you were 37 cents short. Better get on that.)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 2
10:00 NBC TAXI BROOKLYN
Cat tries to find a missing boy, giving her a great excuse to speed around town with her crazy taxi-driving partner.
10:00 FXX WILFRED
Wilfred (the dog) and Ryan (the human) find themselves on opposite ends of an ugly custody battle.
THURSDAY, JULY 3
10:00 IFC MARON
Marc joins a yoga class to impress a girl, and gets a ruptured spleen for his trouble.
10:30 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
The adorably sexy Alison Brie (Community) returns, and is adorably sexy.
FRIDAY, JULY 4
8:00 NBC MACY’S 4TH OF JULY SPECTACULAR
Nick Cannon, Miranda Lambert, Lionel Richie, and fireworks. (Fireworks should’ve received top billing here.)
SATURDAY, JULY 5
8:00 LIF KILLING DADDY—Movie
(2014) A woman seeks revenge on her deadbeat dad—but a stroke gets to him first! DAMN YOU, STROKE!!
11:00 BBCA THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW
Season finale! Featuring the best guests of this past season answering Graham’s naughtiest questions!
SUNDAY, JULY 6
9:00 AMC TALKING DEAD
Featuring a sneaky peek at next season’s zombie skull squashings.
10:00 HBO THE LEFTOVERS
Kevin tries to visit a therapist, but discovers she’s been hoovered up to heaven, too!
MONDAY, JULY 7
9:00 FOX 24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY
Audrey tries to avert a global war by enlisting the help of former prez George W. Bush. (Bad idea, Audrey!)
TUESDAY, JULY 8
10:00 MTV FINDING CARTER
Debut! A teenage girl discovers her mom is actually a stranger who abducted her as a baby. Awwwwkward!
10:00 ABC CELEBRITY WIFE SWAP
Spouses are swapped between The Brady Bunch’s Barry Williams and SNL’s Joe Piscopo. I’m so sad I’m going to bed.
Three tweets for the red, white, and blue! @WmSteveHumphrey