Don't even! Don't even start! Nobody got time for that! See the way I'm showing you my hand? That's the international symbol for "Don't even start! Nobody got time for that!" OBEY THE INTERNATIONAL SYMBOL. See, there are sooo many new shows flooding my TV this week, I don't have a single extra second for the donkey plop you're about to shovel in my direction. So just shut, shut, SHUT IT, and obey the hand, because ain't nobody got time for that—but everybody DOES have time for the following new shows debuting this week! Such as...
• Extant (CBS, debuts Wed July 9, 9 pm): Executive produced and partially written by Steven Spielberg (ooh-la-la!), the terribly named yet very creepy looking Extant stars Halle Berry (semi-ooh-la-la!) as an astronaut who returns to earth after a solo trip in space—but here's the rub—somehow she got pregnant up there! (Umm-hmmm... girl, you been messin' around with aliens? Nobody got time for that!)
• Welcome to Sweden (NBC, debuts Thurs July 10, 9 pm): Created by comedy dreamboat Amy Poehler (and her brother Greg Poehler), this sitcom is based on Greg's true-life experiences following the woman he loves to Sweden, where he becomes the fishiest of fish out of water. He doesn't speak the language, he doesn't get the customs, and everybody hates him. In other words, FINALLY, a sitcom that understands what it's like for me to come to work every day! (P.S. This looks funny.)
• Working the Engels (NBC, debuts Thurs July 11, 9:30 pm): If you miss Arrested Development, then here is its junior varsity counterpart for you to possibly enjoy. A sensible lady lawyer enlists her family of no-nothing kooks to help her save her dead father's law firm. SCTV's Andrea Martin is the "Lucille Bluth" in this wobbly scenario, but is an absolute pro at this type of comedy... which means, since it's only 30 minutes long, you might have time for that.
• Matador (El Rey, debuts Tues July 15, 9 pm): El Rey is the new grindhouse-themed network from cult director Robert Rodriguez (check elreynetwork.com for availability in your area), and if you hate "subtle" then you'll probably love it. Their newest offering is Matador, about a sexy, womanizing pro soccer star playing for the LA Riot—who also happens to be a secret agent working undercover for the CIA! He has a lot of sex, he gets in a lot of fights, and his name is "Tony Bravo" (no, I'm not joking). "Subtlety": Nobody got time for that!
• The Strain (FX, debuts Sun July 13, 10 pm): If there's only one show you have time for this week, make it this one! Director Guillermo del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy) is the freaky mind behind this reimagined vampire shocker, in which the CDC discovers a planeload of mysteriously dead passengers... and what else? OH. Just a deadly strain of ancient evil that starts turning humanity into vampiric drones, who may or may not enlist worms to burrow into our eyes, and... GAAAAAHHHHH! AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 9
9:00 CBS EXTANT
Debut! Halle Berry stars as an astronaut with an alien in her belly and a robot for a son. You know, THE YOUZH.
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Season premiere! One of the best crime shows of last season returns, and with a new Tex-Mex murder to solve!
THURSDAY, JULY 10
9:00 NBC WELCOME TO SWEDEN
Debut! Dudes with super-hot Swedish girlfriends don’t get to complain about anything.
9:30 NBC WORKING THE ENGELS
Debut! Nutty family runs a law firm, and Arrested Development–style high jinks ensue.
FRIDAY, JULY 11
10:00 SYFY ALMIGHTY JOHNSONS
Debut! This Kiwi dramedy series is about a family of burping brothers who just happen to be failed Norse gods.
SATURDAY, JULY 12
10:00 BBCA ALMOST ROYAL
Posh Georgie and Poppy visit Detroit, where they’re forced to become car mechanics and engage in rap battles.
SUNDAY, JULY 13
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
Season premiere! If you’re not watching this terrific drama about sex researchers Masters and Johnson, you… are… INSANE.
10:00 FX THE STRAIN
Debut! A strain of vampirism takes over the world! (I TOLD you guys to stop using so many antibiotics!)
MONDAY, JULY 14
8:30 CW BACKPACKERS
Debut! Weeks before his wedding, a bro and his bro pal tour Europe for one last tail-banging bang.
9:30 CW SEED
Debut! A sperm donor suddenly discovers he has four new families to tend to. Whoops.
TUESDAY, JULY 15
9:00 EL REY MATADOR
Debut! A top soccer star is also an undercover agent in this very totally believable new series.
10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY
Tonight: A drunken retelling of a historic meeting between Johnny Cash and Kris Kristofferson. (Hic!)
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