EVER LOOK AT SOMEBODY you've never met before and say to yourself, "Gee, I bet that person smells funny"? It's not that they necessarily smell bad (though they often do), it's more like they smell different. Some examples might be... ohhh... Judd Nelson from The Breakfast Club. He looks like he might smell funny. Or maybe Monica Lewinsky? I know she wears a lot of perfume, but underneath? I'll bet she smells funny. And this is not to say that this smell can't initially be attractive -- however, I'm sure you've dated someone in your life who, after a few dates, turns a little... mmmm, ripe. Oh, it's all very European at first, isn't it? But when your horny dog even refuses to hump their leg? Then it's time to "nosey" on down the road. Know what I mean?

Anyway, this is the way I feel about syndicated television, too. I don't know if it's their production values, or the subject matter of the shows -- but if they were people? THEY WOULD STINK! So, just for poops and giggles, let's examine a few syndicated shows for their smell-ability. Xena: Warrior Princess is by anyone's terms, a terrific show -- but it still smells funny. It kinda gives off a sexy, earthy smell, like a buxom milkmaiden who's been pulling cow teats all day. In other words, Rrrrrrowwrrrr! Then there are shows like Jerry Springer or Silk Stalkings, where the smell is more reminiscent of someone dropping a package of raw chicken behind the sink and forgetting about it for two weeks. But on the other hand, there's last year's syndicated darling, V.I.P. (starring the booby-licious Pamela Anderson Lee) which has the distinct scent of L.A. -- suntan lotion, car exhaust, and the unmistakable smell of seeping collagen implants.

However! Now that fall is here, we can turn our very sensitive nostrils to the new season of syndicated fare... and what they will possibly smell like!

FAMILY FEUD (Weekdays, 1:35 p.m., Channel 7) You remember this game show hosted by the tongue-kissing Richard Dawson (who you just KNOW smells funny), right? Well, here's the updated version, now hosted by formerly popular and still portly comedian Louie Anderson -- who, if you ask me, is a perfect choice to host Family Feud since he's the son of an alcoholic, abusive asshole.

SHOULD SMELL LIKE: Old Spice, beer breath, and overcooked steak.

THE MARTIN SHORT SHOW (Weeknights, 8:00 p.m., Channel 16) You know, maybe when I get to be an aging, burned-out smart-ass, somebody'll give me MY own talk show, too. And in the unlikely event this happens, I'd like you to look in my left-hand desk drawer where there's a gun -- and immediately shoot me right in my big fat ass.

SHOULD SMELL LIKE: That room in your grandma's house which is hardly ever opened.

RICHARD SIMMONS' DREAM MAKER (Weekdays, 11:00 a.m., Channel 13) Multi-gendered imp Richard Simmons (formerly of "Deal-a-Meal," and Sweatin' to the Oldies!) hosts this show wherein an audience member requests to have their dream fulfilled -- but will probably be satisfied with a big chili, cheese, and onion foot-long hot dog.

SHOULD SMELL LIKE: A big chili, cheese, and onion foot-long hot dog.

NATIONAL ENQUIRER (Weekdays, 9:00 a.m., Channel 13) Oh... BOY! Finally a news show for someone with MY sensibilities! I just hope to Christ they'll have stories like "Woman Gives Birth to 900 Puppies" or "Noah's Ark Still Missing from the Moon!"

SHOULD SMELL LIKE: A big chili, cheese, and onion foot-long hot dog -- after it's come out the "other end."