From the Jan 6 – Jan 12, 2005 issue

Columns

I Love Television

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Remember how last week I said 2005 was going to be the best year ever? Wait… you don't? What the fawk is wrong with you? You were too DRUNK to read my column? Oh, for the love of CHRIST. Really, I give you one thing to do--read my column while you're sitting on the pot--and somehow you manage to fawk it up! NO, I'M NOT GOING TO REPEAT IT! This is what you get for being a thoughtless blackout alcoholic. Oh, and let me tell YOU! You missed some verrrrry funny jokes. Veeeeeeery funny, indeed! I was making brash, tres amusant observations about all the great new TV shows that debuted last week, AND I made a particularly HILARIOUS joke about tongue kissing Jennifer Garner and finding a leprechaun and a Quiznos sub in her mouth. WELL, I KNOW IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE NOW! You had to fawking be there, and you WEREN'T!

Oh, just forget it. Just take careful heed of all the new TV shows that are debuting this week, and try not to pass out before the column is over, you disgusting stinking drunk. (Sob! I'm so disappointed!)

• Wickedly Perfect (CBS, Thurs, Jan 6, 8 pm). In this new reality competition, 12 obsessively prissy perfectionists battle to see who's the best at party planning, gardening, cooking, sewing, floral arrangement, and interior design. Besides receiving their own TV show, the winner will also get their guts carved out by Martha Stewart's prison shank.

• Strange Love (VH1, Sun, Jan 9, 10 pm). Finally, an appropriately named reality show! After riding the wild baloney pony in The Surreal Life 4, actress Brigitte Nielsen (Rocky IV) and rapper Flavor Flav (the guy with the clock around his neck) reunite to see if their love is still true. Flav meets Brigitte's royalty friends, Brigitte meets Flav's family in the Bronx, and the two dash off to Vegas where they still can't fit in, because they are too freaking WEIRD.

• 24 (Fox, Sun, Jan 9, 8 pm). You know, if all the crap in my life was confined to a single 24-hour period every year or so, I think I'd be a lot happier. But nooooooo, not Jack Bauer! This time around, a new terrorist threat brings Jack (Kiefer Sutherland) back to CTU, where he'll spend another 24 hours enjoying a big shit sandwich.

• The Will (CBS, Sat, Jan 8, 8 pm). Nothing's funnier than watching a bunch of red-state hillbillies fight over money. In the premiere of CBS's second new reality show of the new year, a rich old coot has agreed to will his sprawling Kansas ranch to ONE of his family members--but naturally, they have to endure a series of humiliating challenges first! Expect greased-pig wrestling, watermelon seed spitting, and a spirited match of "cornhole the cousin."

• MI-5 (A&E, Sat, Jan 8, 10 pm). For those who can abide limey accents, don't miss the return of this terrific English spy series. Like Alias, MI-5 is staffed with sexy actors, but unlike Alias, the MI-5 spy team is a bunch of treacherous, sneaky fuckups. And they also don't have a leprechaun and a Quiznos sub in their mouths. (Still doesn't make sense, does it? Ah, screw it. Let's get drunk.)