Guys! Sharks have "jumped the shark." Ha! THANK YEW! THANK YEW! (Balloons and confetti fall as thousands rise to their feet to give a standing ovation for what must be the most brilliant turn of phrase ever uttered by a human being.) Yes, I could stop right now, secure in the knowledge that my first statement is the pinnacle of "truth disguised as humor." Unfortunately for you, I still have a lot more to say.

Starting this Sunday, it's the return of Discovery Channel's annual cash cow "Shark Week," in which the network trots out a series of documentaries (old, new, and fake—as in the case of last year's Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives) that mainly depict slo-mo footage of sharks leaping out of the water and gobbling down seals. They'll also offer up the occasional hippie who got a chunk bitten out of his ass before the shark came to his senses and swam off, spitting, "Pa-tooie! Pa-tooie! Pa-tooie!"

As you can probably infer, I'M OVER IT. Like American Idol, Glee, and every reality show ever, there's just not anything new to add to the genre. So for those of you who love watching hour-long documentaries with only maybe five minutes of actual shark footage, I wish you Godspeed in your pursuits. However, I'm moving on to the "next" and the "new"... and it might be one of these shows debuting this week that'll fit the bill:

• Garfunkel & Oates (IFC, debuts Thurs Aug 7, 10 pm): If you've never seen this absolutely ADORABLE comedy duo in action, YouTube Garfunkel & Oates this instant! Riki Lindhome (Garfunkel) and Kate Micucci (Oates) play satirical—and filthy and hilarious—folk songs, and this new sitcom documents their fictional ups and downs while they try to become as famous as God. In the first episode, Riki gets involved with a dick comedian, while Kate gets the opportunity to make out with Ben Kingsley. YES! The Ben Kingsley!

• The Knick (Cinemax, debuts Fri Aug 8, 10 pm): Hot poop director Steven Soderbergh (Out of Sight, Ocean's 11) helms this new twist on the medical drama, set in the fictional New York City Knickerbocker Hospital in 1900. (Did they even have Band-Aids back then?) Hunky Clive Owen stars as an opium-addicted top-notch surgeon, who, along with an equally talented black doctor (Andre Holland)—who unsurprisingly is treated like crap—is at the forefront of the birth of modern medicine. Expect lots of blood, sex, and gross, unsanitary surgical operations. (Kind of like a normal night at my place.)

• Outlander (Starz, debuts Sat Aug 9, 9 pm): I don't get this at all, but here we go.... Based on the series of historical fiction/romance/sci-fi books by Diana Gabaldon, a married British Army nurse in 1945 is transported through time to Scotland in 1743, where she hooks up with a hot Scottish warrior (nice work if you can get it). People have called this a cross between 50 Shades of Grey and Game of Thrones—which makes me want to insert a power drill into my eye... but give it a shot! I'm sure it'll have more "bite" than Shark Week. THANK YEW! THANK YEW! (Drop the balloons and confetti now, okay?)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6

8:00 CW PENN & TELLER: FOOL US

The magicians try to saw a woman in half—which is total sexist bull plop, if you ask me!

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

Marco confronts an old enemy… for the 37th time this week.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7

9:30 BRAVO EXTREME GUIDE TO PARENTING

Debut! A new reality show about effed-up parents and the way they eff up their kids.

11:00 TOON BLACK JESUS

Debut! From the creator of The Boondocks, this new comedy is about Jesus… in modern-day Compton!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 8

10:00 HBO JONAH FROM TONGA

Debut! The great Chris Lilley’s disturbed teenage character, Jonah, gets his own show!

10:00 MAX THE KNICK

Debut! Dr. John Thackery is hired as chief surgeon… which will really cut into his opium-smoking time!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 9

9:00 STARZ OUTLANDER

Debut! A British nurse time-travels to ancient Scotland and bones a warrior, whoop-whoop!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10

8:00 DSC AIR JAWS: FIN OF FURY

Shark week begins. Jumping sharks. Gobbled seals. You know the drill.

10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX

Dr. Masters is hired as the only honky in an all-black hospital. Destruction of racial stereotypes ensues!

MONDAY, AUGUST 11

9:00 DSC JAWS STRIKES BACK

More Shark Week shenanigans. (Hasn’t he “struck back” a number of times?)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12

9:00 AMC 4TH AND LOUD

Debut! Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley of KISS buy an arena football team. What else do you need to know?

10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY

Brit explorer James Cook “fraternizes” with natives in Hawaii, and why, yes! Liquor is involved!

More pinnacles of “truth and humor.” @WmSteveHumphrey