And now, a short, really creepy history of the "Minotaur"—aka a creature from Greek mythology with the body of a man and the head of a bull. (WHAT.)
Here's what happened: Minos, the ruler of Crete, received a snow-white bull from Poseidon, the god of the sea. (WHAT WAS POSEIDON DOING WITH A BULL, I'D LIKE TO KNOW.) But as a show of respect, Minos was supposed to slaughter the albino bull. (WAIT. IF HE WAS JUST GONNA SLAUGHTER IT, WHY DID POSEIDON GIVE HIM THE BULL IN THE FIRST PLACE? THAT'S STUPID.) But Minos said: "Wait. If I'm just gonna slaughter it, why did Poseidon give me the bull in the first place? That's stupid." (THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.) So Minos decided not to kill it, which made Poseidon so angry, he made the king's wife fall in love with the bull. (UMM... POSEIDON WAS KIND OF A SICK FREAK.)
Before long, Minos's wife really wanted to get it on with the bull. (OH, JEEZ.) She had a craftsman make her a wooden cow suit. (GO ON.) She climbed inside the wooden cow suit. (GO ON.) The white bull apparently got turned on by this obviously fake wooden cow and had ancient Greek sexy time with it. (EWWWW! WITH HER INSIDE?) Yes. (EWWWWWW!)
Anyway, the woman gets pregnant. (PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. BUT GO ON.) And later, Minos's wife gives birth to the bull-headed, human-bodied Minotaur. (AGAIN, IMPOSSIBLE. BUT GO ON.) That's pretty much it. (HOW CAN THAT BE "PRETTY MUCH IT"?) Well, there's more to the story, obviously—but this isn't the time or place to get into it. (OKAY, FINE, BUT TWO OBSERVATIONS.) Go on. (#1: POSEIDON IS A REAL DICK.) Agreed. (AND #2: SHE SERIOUSLY NAMED HER KID "MINOTAUR"?) You have a better name? (I DUNNO... MAYBE "CHUNTY"?) Hmmm. (IT'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN "MINOTAUR"!)
Okay, enough about the Minotaur! Now let's talk about a human-bodied creature with the head of a horse. AND NO, they're NOT called "centaurs"! Centaurs are horses with the torsos and heads of humans glued to their necks. (That's so weird, I can't even talk about it right now.) However, there's a new series debuting on Netflix (Friday, August 22) about a horse-headed human, and the name they gave it is BoJack Horseman.
It's an animated series about talking animals that live and work alongside humans. The... umm... "horse-person" is BoJack Horseman (Will Arnett) who starred in a famous 1990s sitcom called Horsin' Around—but now he's a washed-up drunk with a history of failed relationships. His former lover (a cat!) is his long suffering agent (Amy Sedaris), and his best pal is a human (Breaking Bad's Aaron Paul)—but the show also costars the gorgeous and talented Alison Brie (Community)... who I wouldn't mind seeing naked in a wooden cow suit.
BoJack Horseman is hilariously weird and filthy, and it may be the only series this year where a bird-human says, "Who's a bird gotta blow to get some seed around here?" So check it out. And remember: If Poseidon gives you an albino bull, slaughter the crap out of it—and avoid having to raise a bull-kid named "Chunty."
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20
9:00 CBS EXTANT
Molly is convinced that the space agency is hiding her alien baby—a verrrrry terrible idea.
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Marco is forced to lie in court or face the wrath of a super-nasty drug lord.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 21
10:00 IFC GARFUNKEL & OATES
Rikki meets a Minotaur on Tinder—who claimed he was a centaur!
10:30 FX YOU’RE THE WORST
Jimmy “accidentally” sleeps with a celebrity, and Gretchen is out to even the (sex) score!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 22
10:00 MAX THE KNICK
Dr. Thackeray orders his surgeons to practice surgery on live pigs. (Somebody’s getting ham for breakfast!)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 23
8:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
Season premiere! Welcome Peter Capaldi, the newest actor to steps into the Doctor’s famous police box.
10:00 BBCA THE INTRUDERS
Debut! A new sci-fi series about people chasing immortality by taking over other people’s bodies! EWW!
SUNDAY, AUGUST 24
9:00 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS
It’s MTV’s annual video-award ceremony—even though they haven’t shown a music video since 1993.
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Series finale! In the very last episode, will sexy vamp Bill get an unsexy stake to the heart?
MONDAY, AUGUST 25
8:00 NBC THE EMMY AWARDS
Can they still give an award to Smallville? GIVE AN AWARD TO SMALLVILLE!!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 26
10:00 FX TYRANT
Season finale! As Barry plots to overthrow Jamal, a Middle Eastern wrench is thrown into his plan!
11:00 E! CHELSEA LATELY
Series finale! Let’s assume that Chelsea will end her final show with an extremely loud and inappropriate bang.
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