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I Love Television

Five Things I've Learned from Mad Men

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

SPOILER ALERT!!! As you may have noticed, today's column is entitled "Five Things I've Learned from Mad Men," which obviously means I'll be discussing pertinent plot points related to this and past seasons of this wonderful show.

"But, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!" I hear you cry. "I'm only three episodes in to the second-season DVD of Mad Men—so could you please postpone this particular column until... say... July 27, 2010?"

NO, I'M NOT "POSTPONING" THIS COLUMN!! And BTW, I'm FED UP with you "no spoilers" people who make the rest of us (who watch Mad Men in a timely manner) remain silent while YOU lollygag around eating pigs in a blanket, masturbating, and watching Mad Men whenever you're good and ready! Mad Men requires intelligent and, more importantly, timely conversations regarding its content—and YOU are sticking your penis in the mashed potatoes!!

SO HERE'S THE NEW RULE: There will be one show (chosen by me) every season that will be designated a "spoilers allowed" show. And with this show, you will either get on OUR schedule or stick your fingers in your ears and sing "la-la-la-la-laaaaaa" while we discuss it!

And while we're on the topic... TAKE YOUR PENIS OUT OF OUR MASHED POTATOES!!

So anyway... SPOILER ALERT, as I run down the top five things I've learned from this and past seasons of Mad Men.

(Are those people gone? Good. God, they're so annoying!)

LEARNED THING #1! "The early '60s were extremely effed-up, and in some ways, awesome." Smoking in elevators. Check. Driving without seat belts, with a highball sitting on the car seat next to you. Check. Drugging expectant mothers so they won't remember the pain of childbirth. Check. Disappearing from work for days at a time, without ever getting reprimanded. Check. Copious bottles of liquor in the office. Check. A notable lack of sexual-harassment lawsuits. Check. Either coming straight home after work or spending the night at one of your many mistresses' apartments. Check. And finally, assuming a dead man's identity and building an entire career and marriage on a despicable lie. Check.

LEARNED THING #2! "Even ugly people look super hot in tailored clothing." Look at the men and women depicted in Mad Men. Now take a look in the mirror. Tsk... tsk... tsk.

LEARNED THING #3! "Sally Draper should be the poster girl for contraception." The daughter of Don and Betty, Sally Draper has been perhaps unfairly referred to as "the Jar Jar Binks of Mad Men." However! She does have a lisp, and her near-constant hysterics take up valuable airtime from Joan Holloway's hourglass figure or British people getting their feet amputated by riding lawn mowers.

LEARNED THING #4! "Bringing a riding lawn mower into the work environment is not always a bad thing." Especially if a bunch of limeys have bought and restructured your company, and the hotshot limey trying to steal Don's job gets his foot amputated by the previously mentioned riding lawn mower.

LEARNED THING #5! "People who don't watch the season finale of Mad Men this Sunday night (AMC, 10 pm) along with the rest of us should be forced to eat penis-befouled mashed potatoes."

Enough said.