Though I'm loath to brag, I'm built like a brick poop-house—as in I have really big muscles, and look really hot. See, about a week ago I started exercising, and not only is my bottom approaching physical perfection, my nipples are pointier than two thumbtacks on a flagpole. But don't get me wrong! I'm not exercising to improve my physical health. On the contrary, I'm exercising so I can spend the next three months sitting on my sweet 'n' juicy heinie, watching all the new fall shows. See, if I didn't exercise, I'd end up looking like Jabba the Hutt's larger cousin, Morbidly Obese the Hutt—and no one wants that. From what I understand, America hates fatties.
And so, I'll be spending the next week crunching my abs, tightening my glutes, and filing my nips to a razor-sharp edge. I may even watch a new TV show or two... such as these!
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season premiere on FX, Thurs Sept 13, 10 pm). If there's a more despicably amoral show on television, I defy you to find it! Four slacker Philly bar owners happily screw each other (and anyone who gets in their way) in order to fulfill their hilariously selfish needs. Whether it's picking up chicks at an abortion rally, pretending to be handicapped, or as in tonight's episode, trying to unload a dumpster baby, narcissism has never been so funny!
• K-Ville (Debuts on Fox, Mon Sept 17, 9 pm). In post-Katrina New Orleans, two cops (one black, one honky) hate each other's guts. And yet? They're forced to team up in order to enforce the law in a city trying to get back on its feet. Upside: It stars Anthony Anderson, who is always awesome. Downside: The show suffers from "shaky camera" syndrome—but I blame this on the Bush administration. Mr. President, when will New Orleans get the Steadicams it so desperately needs??
• Gossip Girl (Debuts on the CW, Wed Sept 19, 9 pm.) Teens are only good for two things: taking drugs and having sex. That's why I'm pleased to announce the newest show from Josh Schwartz (the creator of The O.C.), entitled Gossip Girl. Here's the plot: Rich kids on New York's Upper East Side take drugs and have sex. THE END. Really, what more does one need? What's that? Having Kristen "Veronica Mars" Bell doing the narration? As long as she's talking about doing drugs and/or having sex, that'll do just fine.
• Kid Nation (Debuts on CBS, Wed Sept 19, 8 pm). In this Lord of the Flies–inspired reality show, 40 kids take over a New Mexico ghost town and work their asses off to create a successful society—without the help of nosy meddling adults. While the show has already been charged with child abuse, I think it's a fantastic idea. In fact, I'm developing my own show in which a bunch of kids live in my house and wait on me hand and foot. It's called Make Daddy a Bologna Sandwich or I'll Take off My Belt. (Sidenote: Disciplining children is great for the abs.) 
Thursday, September 13
10:00 IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIASeason premiere! The gang is back for another season of disgustingly amoral high jinks. RECOMMENDED!
Sunday, September 16
8:00 EMMY AWARDSA celebration of all the TV shows middle America loves, and the rest of us hate.
Monday, September 17
9:00 K-VILLEDebut! Two buddy cops (who hate each other's guts) crack down on crime in post-Katrina New Orleans.
Tuesday, September 18
9:00 ELVIS: VIVA LAS VEGASClips of the King performing in Vegas, as well as current music stars playing his hits. Ugh! Let me die on a toilet now!
Wednesday, September 19
8:00 AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODELSeason premiere! Tyra Banks brings the "fierce" with another season of bickering, bubble-headed models.
A sex object of physical perfection.
