This is but one of the many pressing questions that may be answered by the new TV show Making the Band (Fridays, ABC, 8:30 pm). Created by two of the most sinister, criminal masterminds of this century (The Real World's Bunim/Murray Productions, and Backstreet Boys impresario Lou Pearlman), Making the Band follows five young beefcakes as they are shaped, molded, prodded, and massaged into becoming the next hotty-totty all-boy band. Like The Real World, these Backstreet wannabes (whose stage name will be "O-Town" -- stupidly named after Pearlman's hometown of Orlando, Florida, and not something dirtier) will be constantly videotaped as they attend grueling dance rehearsals, costume fittings, and weekly gene splicings. Only after every shred of their original personalities have been erased will the boys be able to perform before a live audience, turning even the most arid panty into a sopping-wet petri dish of desire.
Hmmm... "Petri Dish of Desire"... hey! That'd make a great title for my autobiography! Anyway, since boy bands make my heart go thump-thump-thump, and my rump go bump-bump-bump, you can bet your sweet and juicy that I'll be watching every week. But here is the worm that squirms in my stink box. They only accept boys who are 18-25! Which means that in all probability, my days as a potential boy band candidate are long past -- and that's a load of ass cookies!!!
Just who does this Lou Pearlman guy think he is? That jiggling, repugnant sack of lard is at least 97, and he thinks I'm too old?? Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of witnessing one of my stellar karaoke performances knows I've got the voice of a fawking angel, and the dance moves of an epileptic monkey with an eel in his pants!
Well, I'll show HIM! I'll put together my OWN hunky boy band, which will make all those other guys look like big steamy piles of singing diaper-gravy! I'll call my band "G-Hump," or maybe "The Homo-E-RockaFellers." Of course, I'll be known as "the cute one," but I'm currently taking applications for "the ethnic one," "the steroid-using beefcake," and "the balding grandpa." So send in your application today! Who knows? Maybe billions of pre-pubescent gals will soon be wetting their undergarments and screaming, "OH-MI-GAWD!!! I love you... umm... ugly guy with the monobrow and hooknose!! I... LOVE... YOU!!!!!"
Singing and dancing experience not required. steve@thestranger.com.