However! Science has yet to prove that there is anyone dumber than media mogul Ted Turner. Not that he's "business dumb"--after all, he gave the world CNN, TBS, TNT, and weekly showings of America's homoerotic hit Top Gun. No, Ted is just kinda "social conventions dumb," and obviously missed the etiquette class in which they taught that you don't tell a "Polack" joke in front of the National Family Planning and Reproductive Association.
Now, why he was giving a speech to these people in the first place is beyond me, but here's what happened: Teddy's up in front of these people saying blah, blah, blah, "contraception is good," when an audience member asks him what he would say to Pope John Paul II (who is Polish) about the Vatican's views on rubbers and the ilk. Ted thought about it for a bit (but apparently not long enough) and said, "Ever seen a Polish mine detector?" and then pointed to his foot.
Okay, not a particularly funny joke in itself. However, I think it's pretty amusing in the context that it didn't make any goddam sense! And here are the reasons!
A. Reproductive rights organizations aren't exactly known for their sense of humor, especially when it comes to Polack jokes.
B. Sure, the Pope is Polish, but as far as I know, the Polish in general are big fans of contraception.
C. And finally, why a Polack joke about land mines? Why not a Catholic joke, like the one about the woman who was scared to enter the confessional booth because she didn't know what the penalty would be for giving her boyfriend a hummer, so she asks a nearby altar boy, "Excuse me, young man, but what does the priest give for oral sex?" and the altar boy says, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke." Badda-BOOM!
Okay, so that joke didn't have anything to do with contraception either, but at least it's funnier than that tired Polack gag, right? Anyway, in a more sophisticated world, Ted's dumbass joke would've been booed and promptly forgotten. But unluckily for Teddy, Poland was listening in, pitched a country-wide hissy fit, and demanded an apology! In a baroque fit of righteous indignation, Polish Deputy Foreign Minister Radek Sikorski said, "This is racism and bigotry! Would Turner make the same sort of joke about other minorities such as blacks, homosexuals, and Jews?" Now, I'm certainly not saying the Polish minister is stupid, and I'm not saying the Poles haven't had to deal with hardship... but C'MON!! There isn't a Pole in Poland who has anything on a black lesbian daughter of Israel!
So, anyhoo, Turner made his apology--to the entire country of Poland--and hopefully he'll learn to lay off the sauce before stepping behind the podium again. But he should also learn one of the golden rules of comedy-- you don't screw with people who didn't screw with you first. In other words, it's perfectly fine to make jokes about the following groups: the Krauts, the Beatles, the Catholics, the Hillbillies, the Government, TCI, and of course, the hippies! Speaking of which, how many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two--but then, they'll screw anywhere. Badda-BOOM! Send your hippie lightbulb jokes to steve@thestranger.com
