There are two great things about this current, seemingly endless writers' strike: I end up watching shows I'd never watch in a bazillion years (That's So Raven is not half bad!), and TV networks are getting so desperate for content they'll throw anything on the air—including completely bizarre reality shows. Check out this week's laundry list of winners!

• Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, debuts Thurs Jan 3, 9 pm). I am sooooooooo OVER The Apprentice, with its goddamn yuppie contestants, and of course, Donald Trump's rotten toupee and Oscar Mayer wiener lips. HOWEVER! Perhaps they've finally found a way to win me back with Celebrity Apprentice! Desperate half-famous celebs (including Stephen Baldwin, Nadia Comaneci, Marilu Henner, Lennox Lewis, Gene Simmons, and more) compete for charity and the opportunity to convince viewers they aren't dead.

• How to Look Good Naked (Lifetime, debuts Fri Jan 4, 9 pm). Personally, I don't have this problem. I most closely resemble a brick poop house with a summer sausage tied around its waist. However, those who have less-than-stellar bodies may want to check out this new series that teaches one how to achieve a hotter bod without plastic surgery... and it's hosted by Carson "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" Kressley, who will certainly have something funny to say about one's dangling parts.

• Alien Abductions: True Confessions (WE, debuts Sat Jan 5, 8 pm). This series sounds SO much better in my imagination than in reality. The plot: After undergoing hypnotic-regression therapy, women reveal their butt-poking encounters with smelly-fingered aliens. Hmmm... maybe "reality" won't be so bad after all!

• American Gladiators (NBC, debuts Sun Jan 6, 8 pm). Oh, sweet stink of desperation! The classic Gladiators has been revamped slightly—with hosts Hulk Hogan and Dancing with the Stars Laila Ali—but the premise remains the same: Dim-witted beef- and cheesecakes compete in physical challenges, grueling obstacle courses, and to see whose genitalia is the smallest (thanks to steroids).

• Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann (ABC, debuts Mon Jan 7, 8 pm). Why can't all wars be fought this way? Two judges from Dancing with the Stars have had enough of each other's BULLSHIT, and are going to war... a DANCE WAR! Putting together battalions of tutu-wearing soldiers, Bruno and Carrie Ann force them into a unitard fight to the finish! (P.S. I know all about the Geneva convention, but if either team needs my services, I really enjoy torturing dancers.)

• Guinea Pig (Sci Fi, debuts Tues Jan 8, 9 pm). Speaking of torture, I'm really sick of these reality shows that only torture their contestants mentally. That's why I'm tuning into this hilariously cruel show that promises to take reality torture to the next level! "Extreme performer" Ryan Stock has agreed to be a human guinea pig for all sorts of bizarre human experiments, such as "what does it feel like to get pummeled by a 350-pound linebacker?" Or "is getting shot by a beanbag gun any fun at all?" And "what's up with getting bit in the face by a poisonous snake?" (Please, please, God... let there be a "Celebrity Guinea Pig"!)

Thursday, January 3

9:00 NBC CELEBRITY APPRENTICE

Debut! Trump orders the celebrity contestants to sell hot dogs. OMG! Why don't you just stab them in the eye??

10:00 NBC ER

Yes, the writer's strike has forced me to watch new episodes of ER. Why don't you just stab me in the eye??

Friday, January 4

9:00 LIF HOW TO LOOK GOOD NAKED

Debut! Host Carson Kressley queer-eyes a fat chick.

Saturday, January 5

7:00 ABC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

Democrats and Republicans go head to head in a debate designed to see who is the most ineffectual.

9:00 SCIFI BEYOND LOCH NESS—Movie

(2008) A nutso scientist vows revenge on Nessie. (Another good reason he doesn't have a girlfriend.)

Sunday, January 6

9:00 NBC AMERICAN GLADIATORS

Debut! A new generation of meatheads battle to see who looks best in spandex jumpers.

10:00 ABC CASHMERE MAFIA

Debut! It's like Sex and the City—except with different people and it stinks.

Monday, January 7

8:00 ABC DANCE WAR: BRUNO VS. CARRIE ANN

Debut! DANCE WAR! DANCE WAR! DANCE WAR! DANCE WAR!

9:00 VH1 CRITIC'S CHOICE AWARDS

Right. As if anyone gives a crap about what we have to say.

Tuesday, January 8

9:00 SCI FI GUINEA PIG

Stock gets Tasered, pepper-sprayed, and lets several venomous animals bite him (and all before 9:00 a.m.)!

Wednesday, January 9

8:00 CW CROWNED

The pageant contestants are forced to hold a smile indefinitely. Activate Vaseline!

9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

Serena buys a pregnancy test (and hopes she can buy her way out of a failing grade).

I already look good naked, thanks. steve@thestranger.com