It's been brought to my attention that you do not see me in a sympathetic light. There could be a number of reasons for this. Here are four: (1) I view human beings primarily as meaty objects—to be sexually consumed and then carelessly discarded in a garbage can. (2) While festive, I am also indiscriminately cruel. I will happily destroy the life of anyone in my path, especially if it involves extreme humiliation. (Remember that famous photo of pop star Fergie peeing her pants? That was me. I peed her pants!) (3) I have little to no concern for the well-being of the earth and its inhabitants. For example, right now I'm sucking up as much oxygen as possible, so you can't have any. And (4) I'm kind of gassy. NO, I won't leave the room!
See, it's virtually impossible for you to like me. Normally, that would be okay, and I'd simply respond by peeing on your pants. However, my employers have gotten it into their heads that if you don't like me, there's no reason to read me, ergo, there's no reason for my continued employment. Since it's pretty hard to sexually consume and discard people when you're a hobo, I've come to the conclusion that what I need is an image makeover.
Now, I could do like Paris Hilton and feign an interest in a third-world country. However, the last time I showed such an interest, I was deported because I impregnated a third of the populace. Besides, giving assistance to places like Darfur is OLD-TIMEY. The new hot method of gaining sympathy is developing your own reality show! Take American Idol's Paula Abdul, for example. Everyone was convinced she was looped out on goofballs 24/7—until Hey Paula, the Bravo reality show about her life. Now, people think she's only snorting goofballs half the time!
For even more pointed examples, there are two new reality shows debuting this week on the E! network, all about people you HATE. First up there's Denise Richards: It's Complicated (Mon May 26, 10 pm), starring that really bad actress from Starship Troopers who was stupid enough to marry Charlie Sheen. The stomach-turning twosome are acrimoniously battling over child custody, and this show is obviously intended to paint Denise in a more positive public light—that is, if everyone can forget how horrible she was in Starship Troopers.
Next up is Living Lohan (Mon May 26, 10:30 pm), in which Lindsay's screeching stage mom, Dina Lohan, tries to convince us she hasn't ruined LiLo's life—while simultaneously ruining the life of her other daughter, Ali. Apparently, Dina is pushing the 14-year-old Ali (who already looks like my 58-year-old Aunt Wanda after passing out under a tanning lamp) into a singing career, and will undoubtedly offer the advice, "Just like I told your sister, there's only one rule: NO UNDERPANTS."
See? Now that Dina Lohan has her own reality show, I like her more already! And THAT'S why I need my own show—so the world will have sympathy for the REAL me. (Peeing on someone else's pants isn't as easy as it looks!) 
